Landing Well: 10 More Tips for Repatriating with Dignity


 Landed 2

“The process of coming home after living abroad is simple and stress free.”

 

This is a quote from  NO ONE . . . EVER.

 

At least no one who has ever actually attempted the fine, fine art of repatriation.  As a follow up to “Leaving Well: 10 Tips” I wanted to add some thoughts about what happens after the plane lands.  Prepping for your departure and closing out your expat experience before you leave is SO important.  It is also fully exhausting.  Physically,  emotionally,  mentally, spiritually and parentally (if applicable) EX – HAUST – ING.

Here’s the kicker.  The only buffer between the exhaustion of the last thing and the exhaustion of the next thing is the trip between the two.

Bonus tip A:  Take the longest flight you can find.

Sooner or later though . . . you have to land.

Here are ten tips for Landing Well.

 

Tip #1:  Plan the After Party

It is perfectly fair for the people who love you and have missed you to want to celebrate your homecoming.  Depending on your personality and, quite frankly, the personalities of the people who love and missed you these reunions can range from refreshing and wonderful to overwhelming and painful.  Generally some mix of all of those.

Bonus tip B:  Brace for Paradox

The initial “woohoos” are survivable.  The dinners, the hugging, the slightly offensive jokes about that place that you called home less than a week ago . . . you can do it.  You might even enjoy it and even if you don’t, it will be over soon enough.

The bigger issue is what do you do next?

I recommend taking a timeout.  Plan some time to process the reality of your new life.  Detox from the experience of back to back goodbyes and hellos in the context of high anxiety and jetlag.  Pause for a moment.  Take a deep breath and enjoy a very, very select group of people restricted to you, your family (who are also transitioning) and people from tip #2.

Granted, time off or away can be cost and schedule prohibitive but this is a worthwhile investment if you can do it.  It could be two days locked up at home or two weeks on a beach.  However you do it  you’ll be much more ready to start figuring out what normal looks like when you’ve taken a break.

 

Landed 1

Photos courtesy of Dan Kennedy                             (aka Safe Haven #1)

Tip #2:  Know Your Safe Havens

Some people just get it. They get you.  Often (but not always) they’ve been right where you are and they can still feel your pain.  They understand the paradox of what you are feeling and they are eager to help you through the process.

You need to know who those people are.  They’re the ones who will keep you sane.

Here’s what to look for:

  • They ask questions that they actually want to know the answers to.  Then they ask more questions.
  • They understand (instead of assuming) what is going on inside of you.
  • They listen to your stories without thinking up a better one while you talk.
  • They share great stories at the right time and it’s helpful.
  • They understand that you can still love your country and be overwhelmed by it at the same time.
  • They roll their eyes with you more than at you.

Just a few thoughts to help you spot them but you’ll know them when they come around.  Spend time with these people.  It will be as energizing as it is therapeutic.

 

Tip #3:  Pace Yourself

There is something sweetly unique about the first few months after landing.  You’ve missed so much and now you’re back.  You can read.  You know the language.  It’s pretty normal to be excited about your new found accessibility.  You may also find yourselves needing to restock your lives.  We sold everything when we went to China.  Then we sold everything again when we came back.  We felt like we had a lot of catching up to do.  Maybe you will too but you don’t have to do it all at once.

Pace yourself.

Specifically (but not restricted to) these 3 areas:

  • Food:  No matter how long it’s been since you’ve had a good cheeseburger, you don’t have to eat them all right now.  Pace yourself.
  • Money:  You will get into trouble quick if you try to catch up immediately with what your friends have accumulated while you were away.  Pace yourself.  Just for a while.

Bonus Tip C:  Enjoy the freedom of a season with less stuff.

  • Time:  Everything takes longer in transition.  You can’t do everything you want to right away.  Take your time and focus your attention where it is needed.  You’ll get there, but pace yourself.

Read more about that here:  Rock, Paper, Scissors: Helping Kids Thrive in Transition

 

Tip #4:  Do a Values Inventory

“What are the top ten most important things in your life and why?”

You are not alone if your answer to that question shifted while you lived abroad.  Seeing your own culture from an outside perspective changes things.  It doesn’t mean you’ve let go of your high values but you may have discovered that some pieces weren’t really as vital as you once felt they were.

I’m being vague on purpose.  Maybe that’s not fair.

  • How about your politics?  What happened when you saw how other parts of the world feel about your country?
  • What about your faith?  How did worshipping in a different context (maybe even a different language) shake or strengthen the perspective you had always known?

I could go on . . .

  • How did living in community impact how you discipline your kids?
  • How did witnessing poverty rock your world?
  • How did your experience change how you view education?
  • How did falling in love with nationals destroy your stereotypes?
  • How did studying a new language give you empathy?
  • How did living abroad change your paradigm of the world?

It happens.  You are really not alone.

However, this is the tough part . . . Your friends who stayed right where they were, probably didn’t experience the same shift.  Why would they?

Do you see the potential for friction here?  You are so wise.

Taking inventory of your highest values and how they have shifted will prepare you for interacting with people.  Knowing what is really important will give you a good sense of which conversations are best ignored and which one merit speaking up.

Bonus Tip D:  Fight Feelings of Enlightenment

 

Tip #5:  Allow People a Frame of Reference

“Wow, that is a really cool story about China.  That’s just like when I went to France in high school.”

Nope.  It’s not.

People have a frame of reference for anything different than their norm based on the most similar part of their own experience.  They will get as close as they can but sometimes . . . “nope.”

Repeat after me, “It’s ok.”

Their frame may be horribly off but so is yours . . . about something.  Try talking to a nuclear physicist (unless you are one).  “Wow, that’s a great story about nuclear fusion.  That’s just like when I dropped the mentos in some diet coke.”

Nope.  It’s not.

You can see these interactions as a chance to politely broaden a frame of reference or just get irritated.  The first one is better for your blood pressure.

Bonus Tip E:  Not everyone wants to have their frame broadened.  Repeat after me, “It’s ok.”

 

Tip #6:  It’s OK to Love Two Places

“Man, I don’t know how you lived over there.  I bet you’re glad to be home.”

I think this (frequently shared) statement can be more internally conflicting and frankly hard to respond to than any other.

I am so glad to be home but I was so glad to be there as well.  There were some hard parts about living there but there are some hard parts about living here too.  There were a lot of days “over there” that I missed home but there are days here when I feel something remarkably similar.

Loving where you lived as an expat doesn’t mean you love your homeland even the slightest bit less.  Don’t feel guilty when you feel homesick at home.

 

Tip #7:  Smooth Does Not Equal Easy

I see a LOT of people in transition.  I teach this stuff.  I know what a rough transition looks like.  Ours has not been that.  In fact ours has been as smooth as they come.

We had phenomenal Safe Havens who set us up and took care of everything we could ever need.  They found our apartment, stocked it with food and furniture, picked us up at the airport, celebrated us, let us hide, listened to our stories and shared their own. Since then we have made other great relationships.  We have a great church, our kids are in great schools getting great grades and making great friends.  Zero major challenges.  Which is also great.

Smooth.

And yet.  It has still been hard.

We’ve needed to learn a new city while we figure out how to be American again.  We’ve been overwhelmed by the cereal aisle and disgusted by the evening news.  Some days . . . lots of days . . . we feel completely out of place.  Like foreigners in a very familiar land.

Smooth is a good deal.  We’ll take it.  If you get the chance, you should too.  But know going in that smooth doesn’t equal easy.

 

Tip #8:  Swim Upstream

There is a looming fear in so many returning expats (myself included) that we will somehow slip back into the people that we were before this wonderful experience.  It’s a fear that we might just get caught up in the hype and the rat race of “normal” life to the point that we forget about how we have been changed.

  • A fear that I will view my nations politics as more viable and important than any other nations.
  • A fear that I will forget about what its like to worship with people from all over the world.
  • A fear that I will revert to my stereotypes and my previous frame of reference.
  • A fear that I’ll never learn Chinese again because I don’t need to.
  • A fear that my kids will only see poverty on TV and never learn to empathize.
  • A fear that we will forget how to need other people because we are so freakishly independent.
  • A fear of becoming typical.

The harsh reality is.  These fears are legit.

Left alone there is a high chance that all of these things will happen.  My encouragement to you (and to myself) is to make decisions and then RESOLVE to make them happen.

Maintaining expat relationships . . . doesn’t just happen.

Traveling back . . . costs a lot of money.

Learning more language . . . not much motivation.

Needing people . . . harder than just doing it on my own.

Whatever it is that you want to hold onto will be a conscious and intentional decision followed up by a solid bit of determination.  Swim upstream.

 

Tip #9:  It’s a Better Adventure Than a Struggle

Do I really need to explain that one?

Bonus Tip F:  Perspective changes everything.

 

Tip #10:  Grace – Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself

  • When someone says, “you lived in Japan?  My neighbor is Korean.”  Give her some grace.
  • When someone says, “you lived in Germany?  Heil Hitler!”  Give him some grace.
  • When someone says, “you lived in China?  Oh my gosh, were you persecuted?”  Grace.
  • When someone says, “you lived in Africa? That is so cool, say something in African.”  Grace.
  • When no one says anything, and you really wish they would.  Grace.
  • When you snap, or cry, or crawl into a hole . . . it’s for you too . . . Give yourself some grace.

Landing is hard . . . sometimes because it was supposed to be easy.  As you leave and after you land grace is key.

 

Bonus tip G: Grace Again (worth repeating) 

 

If you are packing up or already home, I hope this helps.

If you are welcoming friends who are returning home . . . read #2

If you know someone who is packing up or transitioning now, please pass this on.

If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy.  Add your tips.  What worked for you?

 

One more for those you who always say goodbye and never leave – Staying Well:  10 Tips for Expats Who are Left Behind

 

Going Nowhere: Ten tips for expat Stayers who want to stay well

BookendsIn the expatosphere we tend to focus on the bookends of our cross-cultural experience.  Starting well.  Ending well.  Moving on.  

Between Stayers, Goers and Newbies the Stayers tend to get the least attention.  But the space between the bookends are where the books are.

The time between landing and leaving is where the real story is.  The adventure.  The tension.  The characters.  The conflict.  The resolution.  The tragedy and the comedy.  It’s all in the books but transition resources disproportionately target the bookends.

Fair enough.  Bookends are important.  Without them the books fall over.

Too metaphorical?

Starting your cross-cultural experience well AND ending it well matters — a lot — BUT the whole point of starting well is SO you can STAY well and leaving well is really hard when the whole experience has been a mess.

We lean towards the mentality that transition only happens when we cram all of our earthly possessions into plastic tubs and fly off into the sunset but it doesn’t take an expat long to figure out that the TRANSITION NEVER STOPS.

Read “The Transition That Never Ends: The ongoing cycle of expat Stayers, Goers and Newbies” for more about that.

For those of you who are going nowhere but your world never stops moving — here are some tips that I have found helpful but let’s be real here . . . we’re not even going the scratch the surface of Staying Well in one blog post.  Don’t hold back — we need your wisdom.

 

1.  Keep your CORE door open

Here’s an all too typical scenario — As a Newby you show up wide eyed and set for the adventure of a lifetime.  The veterans roll their eyes at your naiveté and unseasoned enthusiasm.  It’s awkward BUT you find your way.  You make a friend.  And another.  Maybe two more and it is so good.  You connect and do life together as bumbling foreigners who really enjoy each other.  You’re cordial with everyone but you’ve found your Core group.  Time passes.

Wide eyed newbies come and you roll your eyes at their naiveté and unseasoned enthusiasm.

Then it happens.  The first of your Core breaks the news.  Moving on.  Then another.  Then two more.

This may all happen over the course of years but if you’re planning to be a Stayer, Goers are going to be a part of your reality.  You can brace for it but if you’ve closed the door to your Core it’s just a matter of time before you’re lonely and left out.  Chances are you’ll become a Goer yourself.

Look at the Newbies.  The veterans.  The other Stayers.  Who could you really connect with that you have not yet?

 

Flight La 22.  Build trust with people who aren’t leaving

With a few beautiful exceptions expats aren’t lifers.  They come and they go.

Expats, however, are not the only characters in your story.  Building deep, lasting friendships with local people is a brilliant move towards staying well.  The friendship alone would be worth it but the insight gained is pure gold.  Close local friends open a window to your host culture that is otherwise bolted shut.

 

  • You can learn a lot from the other expats but it will always come from a foreigner’s perspective.
  • You can also learn a lot from local acquaintances but you’ll likely get the version that is safe for foreigners.
  • When you’ve got a bonafide non-foreign friend you get access to a whole new world of understanding.  Real heart stuff. Opinions, perspectives and information that you assumed you already understood but found out you were WAY off.

No doubt, those relationships can be more challenging, especially when language differences and deep cultural gaps are a reality.  Cross-cultural relationships require boatloads of intentionality.  They take longer to establish and (in many cases) may not be nearly as established as you think they are.  Not to mention you may learn truths that are hard to know.  It’s not easy but it is good.

Take your time.  Build trust.  Be trustworthy.  You have so much to learn.

 

TCK's3.  Reboot your sense of wonder

Remember when you got off the plane?  Wide eyed.  Confident.  So ready.

You were primed for the adventure.  Couldn’t wait to study a new language, explore a new culture and dive head first into the magnificent unknown.

What the heck happened?

I can answer that for you.  You discovered reality, that’s what happened.  You figured out how to make life normal again and in the process you found out that your new normal looks almost nothing like the high culture stereotypes that you came in with.  Your grand adventure includes laundry, dishes and binge watching sitcoms.

Don’t feel bad.  Misinformed, awestruck wonder is rarely sustainable.  Honeymoons don’t last forever.

Informed wonder, on the other hand — that’s where it gets good.  Now that your eyes are opened to what real life looks like, why not reboot and re-engage.  Learn the history of your host culture.  Study the art, the architecture, the current events.  Learn a song, a dance, a poem, a story.  Take a trip, eat something painfully local.  Go back to the adventure but do it all fully aware that you need to do a load of whites before you go to bed.

What are three things that you used to be excited about but haven’t thought of for a long time?

 

4.  Break out of “Expert Survivor” mode

Expats are phenomenal survivors.  Foreign life can be tough at first, especially if there is a language barrier but we’ve got to eat right?  So we instinctively sniff out the restaurants with picture menus.  We memorize the names of our five favorite dishes.  We become masters of charades and don’t mind flapping our arms or clucking out loud in a crowded McDonalds to get a chicken sandwich.

Even if language is not an issue, as outsiders, we tend to find our “go to” spots  and our sure fire routines.  It’s hard work to discover new things.  So when it’s crucial to our survival we work hard but once we’ve figured out how to live comfortably . . . why would we take the hard road?

Survival is an important phase of crossing cultures.  It’s all too easy though, to settle for a level of functionality that would make us a laughing stock if we tried to mirror back home (insert mental image of clucking like a chicken at your home town McDondalds).

Stayers though, have an opportunity to go beyond survival.  Again, intentionality is key.

Try a risky restaurant or new form of transportation.  Try speaking local even when locals speak your language better.  Get lost and find your way home.

As a sidenote — if you’re feeling judged here — don’t.  I’m doing that thing where most of my fingers are pointing back at me.  Makes it hard to typ,,

 

gma gpa wall5.  Host a visitor

Going home is nice but bringing home is superb.  There is something really rich about seeing someone from your other life in your new world.  It’s potentially surreal but it can be so good.

You might find that you instantly go from bumbling foreigner to expert on all things local.  Those five dish names that you can pronounce can be easily mistaken for total fluency.

The best part though is the connection.  There are galaxies of difference between going home and trying to tell your best expat stories to a friend who really doesn’t want to hear them and walking down the street with a visiting friend who is soaking it all in.

Galaxies.

That connection lasts a long time.

It may be a stretch but make the ask.  Get your friends and family on your turf.  Plan for a year.  Share your frequent flier miles.  It’s a great way to level up your relationship.

If you could have a week with anyone from your old life in the context of your new(er) one, who would it be?

 

6.  Translate the REST of your life

Expats too often check significant parts of their lives at the airport.  They assume that they can’t do things because it is not instantly obvious how they can.  Runners quit running because pollution is too high.  Musicians quit playing because they don’t want to carry their equipment all that way.  Gardeners quit gardening.  Woodworkers quit woodworking. Painters quit painting.

That’s one thing if you’re only doing this for a couple of years.  If you’re staying, though, don’t give up hope on maintaining important chunks of your identity.  You don’t just run . . . you ARE a runner.

You may be frustrated because you can’t do your hobbies and your habits EXACTLY that way you have always done them.

Fair enough.

So don’t even try to TRANSPLANT them.  You can’t.  You can, however, TRANSLATE them.

Ask yourself how you can you do your old thing in the context of your new life?  Keep in mind that something is always lost in translation.  It may look and feel like a different thing at first but don’t leave behind things you love because you’ve assumed that they are no longer possible.

What’s missing?  Did you check any part of your life at the airport?  Go get it back.

 

7.  Embrace ignorance 

Compared to where you started you’re pretty much an international genius.  Compared to your people back home your grasp on the politics and culture and customs and mannerisms and all of the intricate nuances of living abroad is incredible.   You’ve come a long, long way.

Compared to what you have yet to learn however (no matter how long you’ve been a Stayer) . . .

Yeah.

Don’t feel bad.  Being ignorant is not a bad thing unless you think you’re not.  If you’re ignorant (and aware of it) you’ve got room to learn.  If you’ve found an answer you’re likely to stop looking for one.

That is the biggest challenge for the Stayer.  Once you’ve been there for a while you feel like you should know it all.

You don’t.  Admit it.  Embrace it.

What have your learned the most about your host culture?  Re-open the case.  Learn something new about the stuff you thought you were an expert in.

 

8.  Emulate the Greats

Look around.  Who are the heroes in your story?  Who are the Stayers who have stayed well?  Who are the high functioning veterans that add life to the expat community, respect and engage the locals and haven’t settled for merely surviving?

Now pick them apart.  What is it about them that you want to add to your experience.  What are the characteristics, the habits, the intentional behaviors and routines that make them good at being a foreigner.

Do those things.

Name your top three Greats.  Seek their wisdom.

 

9. Process without complaining

Processing and complaining can start with the exact same statement.  For example “This is really hard.”

That is a fair and true statement but what you do with it sets you on one of two trajectories that ultimately lead to very different places.  Processing the hard stuff is absolutely critical for staying well.  Verbalizing the tough realities (as opposed to stuffing them) is a healthy discipline.  However complaining (at least habitually) is toxic for you and the people around you.

Here’s the difference.

  • Processors want wisdom — Complainers want sympathy.
  • Processors are seeking comfort on the other side of the challenge — Complainers are seeking instant release.
  • Processors identify the real challenge and work towards a solution — Complainers belittle so the challenge can be ignored.
  • Processers enjoy resolution  — Complainers are chained to unresolved issues.
  • Processors respect local culture even when it doesn’t make sense to them — Complainers mock local culture.
  • Processers recognize that they may be a part of the problem  —  Complainers always blame someone or something else.
  • Processors recognize they are ignorant — Complainers pretend they are not.
  • Processors attract other processors who are seeking wisdom — Complainers attract other complainers who are seeking validation.

Good news  — if you’re realizing you’re a complainer right now you are not alone.  We all are at some point.   Processing requires discipline (while complaining comes quite naturally).  It’s a discipline well worth developing if you want to be a Stayer.

Be brutally honest.  Are you a processor or a complainer?

sidenote — If you’re thinking of all the other complainers right now (and how bad they are) — you might be one.  Just a thought.

 

10.  Grace, Grace and more Grace

Your expat story is a good one and like all good stories it’s got tension.  There are conflicts and complications and hiccups along the way that keep it both interesting and frustrating.  The characters range from kindred spirit, life long connections to bumbling villainous idiots whose only role seems to be to irritate the pot out of you.

Stayers — the Great ones — are constant learners even though they already understand more than most.  They are incessant listeners even though they have so much to say.  They are humble even though their abilities and their accomplishments would outshine everyone around.  They are respectful and they stimulate broader respect.  They honor their hosts.  They inspire their teams.  They challenge everyone towards a better option.

More than anything (in my opinion) — they understand that this whole thing doesn’t work without grace.

  • Wide-eyed, know-it-all Newbies need grace to become great Stayers.
  • Core group Goers need grace to go well and remain life-long friends.
  • Locals need grace while you try to figure them out (and vice versa).
  • Annoying fellow expats need grace.  Period.
  • Friends and family back home need grace when they say horribly offensive things about your new friends.
  • Processors need grace so they are not mistaken for complainers.
  • Complainers need grace to recognize there is a better way.

And what about you?

If you’re planning to be a Stayer — you’re going to need healthy doses of grace.  Take some for yourself.

 

Surface — unscratched.  Help us out Stayers.  What are your tips for staying well?

Comment below and pass this on.

 

Moving Well: Ten Tips for Highly Transient People

The Healthy Nomad_edited-1

 

There have always been nomads but there are more now than ever.

Maybe you are one — those people who are going to live their entire lives 3-5 years at a time (give or take).  By choice, calling or mandate you will encounter multiple, major transitions in your life.  Military families, missionaries, international business people, career students, traveling teachers, medical professionals, jet setters, globe trotters and restless wanderers are all on the move and likely to stay that way until they can’t any longer.

It’s the opposite of the “where I come from” scenario.  Where I come from deep roots are a core value.  You don’t move unless your job says you have to.  You plant yourself in the community and become a pillar of it.  You stay at the same church for life (unless the Pastor makes you mad), your kids graduate high school with their Kindergarten class and you live in the same house until you can’t take care of it anymore.

It’s stability at it’s finest.

I love it.  I’m thankful for the rock solid experiences of my childhood.

However.

I don’t think it is the ONLY way to live well.  I have also been privileged to meet some wonderful people (I call them “The Movers”) who have lived the nomad life into their twilight — never planting themselves for more than a few years — and it has been rich and good.

It is different to be sure.

  • They are not pillars of any one community but they have deeply impacted several.
  • They don’t have a core group of long term local friends but they have a network that is global.
  • The people around them are always changing but they understand community in a very real way.
  • They will never get a town hall named after them but they have a huge impact on people who leave and have a profound impact somewhere else.
  • They’ve never owned a house but they always know when they are home.

I have learned some priceless life lessons both from people who have never moved and some who have never stayed.

If you are a mover (of any flavor) – here are a few thoughts gleaned from those who have done it well.

 

1.  Every brick counts

You’re never going to be the pillar and that’s ok.  Your life is going to look more like a brick wall.  Lot’s of smaller, individual blocks laid out one by one and all stuck together.  What you want in the end is a solid wall.

Here’s the kicker – One mushy brick compromises the strength of the wall.  Two or three even more so.  Every brick counts.

So . . . even if you’re only in a location for 2 years you should work hard to make it solid.  Build strong relationships.  When they break do everything you can to make sure they get fixed.  Add value to the people around you.

The two biggest lies that transient people believe are, “I don’t have time to make friends” and “this will all be better when I leave.”  You do and it won’t.

Believing these makes for a really mushy brick . . . and every brick counts.

 

2.  Think Trajectory

Steven Covey said it well.  “Begin with the end in mind.”

If you’re 30 think about life when you’re 75.  What do you want 75 year old you to be proud of? Where will they have gone? What will they have done? What will they be telling their grandkids about?

Now pull that back into modern day you’s decision making process.  Just thinking about the end isn’t going to make it happen.  You’ve got to make decisions all along the way that lead to that place.  If 75 year old you speaks fluent Swahili then guess what.  You need to buckle down and get to work.

 

dub n tash3.  Invest aggressively

Conservative investors keep the risk low because their timeline is long.  They invest when it’s a sure thing with a pretty solid hope for something good in the distant future.  Aggressive investors can’t wait that long.  They identify something that seems like a good opportunity and they go for it.  They risk loss.  They risk a set back.  They risk embarrassment but they do it all with the keen understanding that if they don’t move now, they’ll miss it.

You are investing in relationships – if you’re a mover you don’t have the luxury of 30 years before you have a meaningful conversation.  Don’t be afraid to dig into relationships and get below the surface early on.  Go deep quicker.  Invest in people.  Note: this is not romantic advice – that may be completely different.

Healthy movers understand the significance of NOW.

Important side note – Aggressive ≠ stupid.

 

4.  Emulate the Greats

When you think about people who are on a similar life path (expat, missionary, military etc.) who do you see that is doing this well?  Pick three to five people that come to your mind when you answer that question.

  • Why did they come to your mind?
  • How do they interact with people?
  • How do they take care of themselves?
  • What do other people say about them?
  • What are their habits?  Their routines?  Their disciplines?

Deconstructing their lives a bit will give you a great short list of characteristics for you to transfer onto your trajectory.

Be yourself but emulate the greats.

 

5.  Give more than you take

There are two kinds of movers — the givers and the takers.

Takers bounce from place to place to suck the life out of the culture and the community.  They are selfish adventurers who are looking to get what they can get and care little about the people around them.  They are rude to their hosts.  They are parasitic and abusive but sometimes no one notices because they can also be a lot of fun.

In the end their brick wall is a pile of sand.

Don’t be those people.  Be the givers.

 

6.  Always be changing

The richest part of transience is diversity.  Every place you go, every community you live in, every group of people that you do life with is a new and unique opportunity.  You get to see the world from their perspective and you quickly learn that every perspective is different.

Become a lifelong student of the places you live and the people who live there with you.  That should be changing you.

 

7.  Never change

Even though you change with every stop, who you are at the core should be rock solid.  Be careful not to let different places and different people cause you to forget your deepest values.

 

Flight 18.  Bust the Bubble

The bubble is the place you can go and not need anything else.  It’s safe and comfortable.  The people inside are just like you.  They speak your language, they share your frustrations, they eat your food, they drink your drinks.  It’s enjoyable and rarely awkward.  Outside of the bubble there is a lot more risk.  You have to work harder to communicate.  The people there are weird.

Bust the bubble.  Movers miss so much because they never branch out.

Whether your bubble is corporate or expat or something else . . . set yourself free.  There’s some really cool stuff on the other side.

9.  Redefine Home

Home is where the heart is right?  Yeah, you can bet that a mover said that.

Home for you is people (specifically the ones who stay with you no matter where you go) but it’s way more than just that.  It is principles and protocol and other things that also probably start with a “p”.  It’s just NOT a place — at least not just one.

Don’t settle for a half empty glass.  “Well, we move around a lot so I’m just not sure where home is.”

Bunk.

Just change “where” to “what” and answer the question.  It is everything (seen and unseen) that you will take with you the next time you move.

Have those conversations with your family.

 

10.  Wherever you are . . . be there

It’s easy to checkout early especially when you know you’ll be leaving soon.  That can be dangerous for movers who are never NOT leaving.  When your time is short, every moment counts . . . especially the last ones.  It’s a different way of thinking but work towards leaving a piece of yourself after you’re gone instead of not being present while your are still there.

Read these if you’re in the process of leaving

Leaving Well

Landing Well

Staying Well

For some it’s a calling, for others it’s a job.  Regardless, I am convinced that the end result of a life spent moving can be a beautiful string of amazing experiences, a stockpile of incredible stories and a huge network of quality relationships.

Have something to add to the list?  Comment below.

Know a mover who might need this?  Please pass it on.

 

Receiving Well: Eleven Tips for Helping Expats Come Home

Ok this is awkward.

There’s a solid chance that the demographic which might best benefit from this post (and the brilliance in the comments that follow {hint}) will never see it.

If you are welcoming a beloved friend or family member back into your life, after an extended amount of time in a faraway land, I can’t imagine that you’re scouring the internet for ways to do it well.  Why would you?  What’s to figure out?

Ummm . . . hug them?

Jump up and down?

I don’t really need a blog to tell me that.

Fair enough.

AND — If you are coming to the end of your time as a foreigner you may be itching to send this ahead . . . but how would that look?

“Hey! Can’t wait to see you in just 14 more days!  Oh and please read these tips for welcoming me home . . . just don’t want you to mess that up . . . kay? . . . Love ya.”

So at the risk of writing a post that will never be read here are 10 Tips for welcoming your homecomers home.

You can read the rest of the Expat Exodus series here (that’s not a tip . . . I’m just sayin’) —

 

Tip #1:  You are Incredible

Not so much a tip as an observation but hang with me for just a moment.

People who live away from “home” for long periods of time miss people (there should be no new information here). It’s one of the hardest parts about being away.  Dozens, hundreds, thousands of times, while they were gone, they wished that they could share special moments with the people they love.  You were the one they thought about on their loneliest days and in their darkest hours.  You were who they missed

A quick snapshot into their brain . . . they didn’t miss the mean people or the annoying people nearly as much .  They missed the incredible people.  That’s you.

These people whom you are picking up from the airport or bringing a meal or even attending a party for are incredibly excited to be reunited with some of their favorite, incredible people.

Here’s the tip:  This is your chance to become even more incredible.  Returning home is a high stress, high joy, high intensity time that will be burned into these peoples memories for life.  Why not earn your spot in that story.  Just be yourself.  You’re already incredible.

 

Tip #2:  Homecomers are People

The profundity abounds.  I know.

Here’s the thing.  There are no cookie cutters here.  People handle transition differently.  The hardcore extraverts may be secretly longing for a surprise parade in the airport parking lot while the introverts vomit at the thought of seeing more than three people in their first week home.

There is no easy to follow checklist that applies equally to all homecomers.  Even the tips in this post (say it isn’t so) need to be run through the filter of “Who are these people and what makes them click?” and then “What have they been through that may be relevant here?”

Bonus tip 1:  You know them.  Use that well.

Bonus tip 2:  You don’t know them — at least not like you think you do.  Transition does weird things to people.  So does jet lag.  So does spending significant time in a different country.  Don’t assume too much.

 

Tip #3:  Celebrate Good Times (Come on)

Important note – If you skipped Tip #2, go back and read that now.

Remember this:  Everyone wants their homecoming to be celebrated — Not everyone wants a party.

Not every homecomer wants all of their Facebook friends to come together for a surprise party when they arrive.  Come to think of it – no one wants that.  That would be weird.

The big point here is that even if people don’t want to be celebrated . . . they don’t want to not be either.  It’s one of the greatest disappointments for people who come home . . . “I felt like no one noticed.”  Another is, “I felt completely overwhelmed by people.”  It’s a tough balance to strike but it’s worth the effort to custom design a homecoming that leaves them feeling celebrated and lets them breathe appropriately.

Bonus tip 3:  Love them well as soon as they land but let them get through jet lag before you plan group stuff.

 

4.  Be a Safe Haven

It is shocking how many people say that returning to their home country was more challenging than moving to a foreign one in the first place.  I know . . . it makes absolutely no sense but it happens . . . a lot.  It’s supposed to be a homecoming — a joyful reunion — the end of feeling like a foreigner.  But at least when you’re a bona fide foreigner no one expects you to be competent.  When you’re home no one understands why you’re not.

Here’s the good news — You don’t have to understand this to know that it is true.

Homecomers need a place to say ignorant things, ask ignorant questions and genuinely be ignorant without feeling completely incompetent.

Be that safe spot.

Read “Landing Well”  for more about Safe Havens

 

5.  Normal Stuff can be Really Overwhelming

Piggy backing on Tip #4 – You should know about the lurking danger of every day stuff.

Wal-Mart nearly killed me.  For the first time in 7 years my illiteracy buffer was lifted.  I could read every product (ironically made in China), every advertisement and every sleazy tabloid in the store.  It was English overload.  On my way out I saw the picture wall of missing children and compulsively read every single one.  Total breakdown.

I’m no stranger to Wal-Mart but this time . . . after 7 years away . . . was different.

Give your homecoming friends space to freak out about normal things.

Some other things that tend to cause temporary paralysis:

  • The Cereal Aisle
  • Church
  • Patriotic holidays
  • Talk Radio
  • The Evening News
  • Western Food (here we just call it food)

 

6.  Don’t Make Fun of their Other Language as an Ice Breaker

Learning a language can be one of the biggest challenges of life abroad.  Hours with tutors or sitting in classrooms.  Studying, memorizing, software, flash cards, books.  Knowing that you are saying it exactly right only to get a confused stare when you say it to your taxi driver.  Learning, failing, learning again, failing again, faking it and finally getting it right.  Longing to communicate in the heart language of the people who surround you.

Language has been more than a class to them.  It has been the sound of the backdrop of their existence and the necessity for making things happen.

I did this whole process in Chinese for seven years . . . so when I land in America and some well meaning jokester hits me with, “Ahsooo – Me speaka da Chinese . . . Ching chang willy willy bing bang bong” . . . yeah let’s just say it’s not as funny as it sounds in your head.

Whatever the language — don’t belittle it.

Read these to learn more about faking language:

 

Tip #7:  Don’t Reduce Culture to a Stereotype

Piggy backing on Tip #6

I mean this in the nicest possible way.  You are ignorant.

There’s really no nice way to say that is there?  The heart behind it though is to simply say you may not know everything there is to know about everything.  You’re not Wikipedia and you don’t need to be.

The question is not, “are you ignorant?”  We all are.

A better question might be, “Which way are you going to go with that?”

A.  Pretend to know something

or

B. Try to learn something?

World of difference and so relevant for loving on your homecomers.

“A” looks like this – “Welcome back from Australia . . . G’day mate!!  Did you go on a walkabout?” (followed by a punch in the arm and a hearty laugh)

“B” looks like this – “Welcome back, I’m not gonna’ lie I feel like the only things I know about Australia are what I learned on Crocodile Hunter.  Can’t wait to hear your stories.”

“A” assumes that you know something but you just exhausted the full extent of your Australian insight in two seconds.

“B” admits that you know squat but sets you up to broaden your frame of reference.

To the homecomer “A” is irritating, “B” is refreshing.

 

Tip #8:  Homecomers Love to Tell Their Stories.  Let them.

They just had the experience of a lifetime or maybe they crashed and burned.  Either way there are stories to tell and telling them is a valuable part of a healthy homecoming process.  It is SO common for people coming home to feel like no one cares about where they’ve been.

“Wow 28 years in Thailand . . . how was that?”

In other words, “Please sum up 28 years of your life up in a sentence or two, I need to get going.”

You will breathe life into the homecomers transition if you are the person (maybe the only one) who genuinely wants to listen.

  • Hear their stories.
  • Ask them to explain.
  • Ask them how they felt.
  • Ask them how they dealt with it.
  • Ask them what they learned.
  • Ask them how they changed.
  • Ask them what was wonderful.
  • Ask them what was terrible.

Show some interest and don’t roll your eyes when they mention Thailand . . . again.

 

Tip #9:  Some Things Not to Say

“I bet you’re glad to be back”

Surprisingly it can be hard for many homecomers to hear how “happy they must be” to be home.  Not always the case and even if it is the insinuation may feel like “here is good and there is bad.”  Expats and Repats (homecomers) can be ardent defenders of their host lands (even if they hated their experience there).

“Oh that’s like . . . “

There is a glossy look that people get when you tell them a story and they politely wait for you to finish so they can tell you a better one.  Don’t get me wrong, you’re stories are welcome.  However, don’t respond to every story with, “Oh Brazil, that’s just like when we went to Mexico.”

Nope.  It’s not.  Fight the temptation to one-up every story.

“Don’t THEY . . . “

“Don’t they eat dogs in China?  Aren’t they Communist? Don’t they bind women’s feet?  Don’t they know Kung Fu?”

All of them?

THEY is such an inclusive word and your homecomer has had a front row seat to a bigger picture. There is so much more to any question you can ask.  Use questions as a springboard to go deeper and let them share their expertise.  Don’t use questions to confirm that your stereotypes are true.

 

Tip #10  Go Easy on the Politics and Pop Culture

Life is trending right now.  It’s hard to keep up even if you’re right in the middle of it.

Homecomers have been doing life with a different filter for  “what’s important?”  They haven’t been bombarded by local (and by local I mean only what’s happening in your country) politics and they may have zero clue who got famous last month.

Even if they have kept up with the information, there is a difference between knowing information and living in the environment where it is important.

It’s ok if they’re behind.  It’s ok if they changed while they were away.  It’s ok if you did too.

Spend some time rediscovering them and helping them rediscover home . . . but take it slow.

 

Tip #11:  GRACE — Give it freely and keep some for yourself

  • When your homecomer crawls into a hole for a week . . . Give him some grace.
  • When your homecomer gets paralyzed and stares at the potato chips for an hour . . . Give her some grace.
  • When they don’t get your best “Ching Chang” jokes . . . Grace.
  • When they walk out of Sunday morning service . . . Grace.
  • When they say, “who’s that?” about the new President . . . Grace.
  • When they break down and cry because they miss home . . . and you thought they were home . . . Grace.
  • When something you say causes them to have an emotional breakdown . . . Grace
  •  When you get fed up and snap, “Life’s not all about you homecomer!!  Get a grip!!” . . . It’s for you too . . . Take some grace for yourself.

 

I will speak on behalf of all homecomers (without permission) and say this:  You’re the best part about coming home.  We need you.  Thanks for being incredible.

 

If you’re welcoming homecomers and have stumbled across this somehow  I hope it helps.

If you know someone who is about to go through this (and can do so safely) . . . Pass it on.

If you’ve been there and done that (from any angle) don’t be stingy.  Add your tips.  What worked for you?  What didn’t?

 

Staying Well: 10 Tips for Expats Who are Left Behind

Dub and EmmyLeaving is hard.  Being left is harder.

 

Transition is a huge part of life for an expat.  That’s understood.  By the time you sign on you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that you’re about to trade normal for unknown.  Returning home is the same story with a twist.  There are seminars for all of that.

What they don’t tell you in the brochure, however, is that the transition never stops.  Expat communities are a revolving door and just about the time you start to adjust to your new found normal, people leave, and your normal changes again.

It’s the Expat Exodus . . . transient people coming and going.  Tough all around.

 

Go here for some thoughts on going home (or elsewhere) after life abroad:

The often unmentioned casualties in the whole story however, are neither coming nor going.  They are staying.

The Stayers pain is less pronounced, less expected and less acknowledged than those who are leaving.  They’re not packing up and saying goodbye in a frenzied mess of dinners and parties and awkward, intentional eye contact.  They’re also not freaking out about the next thing, the new job, the overwhelming inevitables that are coming at the end of a long painful plane ride.

But when the goodbyes are over and the repats are gone . . . there they stand . . . in the exact same spot . . .

No exciting “next chapter.”  No happy family reunions.  No big adventure.  Everything exactly the same only much different.

Staying is the only expat transition with no honeymoon period.  

Leaving is hard on Stayers.

Here are 10 Tips for Staying Well:

 

Tip #1:  RAFT’s are not Just for Coming and Going

I am a monster fan of Dr. David Pollock’s model for transitioning well known as Building a RAFT (Google it).  It’s so simple and yet so comprehensive.

It is brilliant for people beginning their expat journey.  Brilliant again for those ending it.

Unfotunately it is all but ignored for Stayers.

Reconciliation  •  Affirmation  •  Farewell  •  Think Ahead

Don’t let people you love leave without walking through this process for yourself .  The beauty of such a transient life is the natural growth of a phenomenal, global network of true friendships.  Expats get to know people all over the world.  Leaving broken bits of relationship unattended to weakens that network.  Communicating — VERY SPECIFICALLY — how much you appreciate people makes it crazy strong.

Build a RAFT even if you’re not going anywhere.

 

Tip #2:  Flip the Manual Override Switch

Some people are phenomenal at gushing from the inside out.  They are naturally transparent and affectionate and so easily expressive it hurts.  This tip is not for you.  Sorry you only get 9.  You may skip to #3.

The rest of us live on the flip side of that universe.  We start sensing (consciously or otherwise) that something bad is about to happen.  Our internal systems go on red alert and start shutting down.  We ignore.  We pretend.  We may even drum up some conflict to make it less painful to let go.

Catch it early and force yourself to do what is NOT natural.  Go manual.  Say the things you want to say.  Get all awkward and nervous but don’t miss your window because it didn’t “feel” right.  And don’t make the excuse of “ehh they know how I feel.”  They do not.  People are dense.

Bonus tip:  It’s ok to acknowledge awkward:  Laugh about it.  Make a joke about it.  Sing a song about it (seriously, I met a guy who couldn’t work up the nerve to say good goodbyes so he grabbed his guitar and spontaneously sang songs to everyone in the room to tell them how he felt – genius).  The point is, when it’s over they need to genuinely know how you feel.  

 

Read this blog post:  My Head in the Clouds – If You’re Staying — Great advice for how you can love on your departing friends.  Good stuff.

 

Tip #3:  Go Away and Come Back

There are dismal days after the Exodus.  Personally it was always gut-wrenching for me to walk around my apartment complex and be painfully aware of who was NOT there and who was never coming back.  It’s like a ghost town but that sense is exaggerated in the moment.  I personally think it’s fair to change your scenery for a bit if your schedule and budget allow it.  Take your family and go visit one of the spots you’ve been wanting to see.  Grab some friends (if there are still some near) and hop a train to anywhere.

I don’t think it’s running away to run away briefly.  Give yourself a few days (or weeks?) to get your mind on something else BUT (underlined because this is a huge but) don’t stay gone (physically or mentally).  Make a plan to re-engage your real life.  Don’t pretend nothing is different . . . but take a break.

 

Tip #4:  Schedule your first Skype Call

Goodbyes are saturated with good intentions.  Non specific, ambiguous, unscheduled plans generally don’t ever happen.

“Keep in touch.”

“Talk to you soon.”

“Can’t wait to Skype.”

“Call us when you get there.”

All great thoughts but unlikely in the context of life.  Especially the life that your departing friends are about to encounter.  You don’t have to schedule the next six months worth of weekly calls.  But get the first one on the books.  Figure out the time zone difference.  Know where they’re going to be and when . . . and schedule it.  That first chat will be sweet.  Increase the liklihood of it actually happening.

 

Tip #5:  Grief is Not Just for Dying

Transition = Loss = Grief.  Leaving or being left is not death.  It’s not the same kind of pain.

That said, when something has been a rich part of your life and then it is no longer there, what often happens is very accurately defined as grief.  This is the kind of grief that sneaks up on you and smacks you from behind because you weren’t expecting it.  They didn’t die.  You didn’t get divorced.  The traditional grief rules don’t apply here but it’s the real deal and grief is a process.

Denial  •  Anger  •  Bargaining  •  Depression  •  Acceptance

Now is a good time to study up on grief.  You’ll not only give yourself the freedom to go through the process but you’ll make a little sense out of what is happening to you.  Grief is a real thing.  Don’t be ashamed about that and do everything (underlined for emphasis) you can to get the support you need.

Bonus Tip:  Scroll through the comment sections of the links listed above (Ten Tips for Leaving and Landing).  There are some really rich and vulnerable accounts of people who have dealt with the grief of transition.  Also some great extra tips and advice.

 

Tip#6  Get All Creative

Here’s my dream project that we haven’t done yet because we’ve been renting and landlords get kind of grumpy about stuff like this.  We paint a wall somewhere in our home with a world map.  The whole wall.  It’s huge (in my dream).

Then we hang pictures of all of our friends according to where they live in the world (at last count we had friends from 37 countries).  We also paint the countries that we have traveled to a different color and put pictures of our trips.  Then we paint the countries that we want to go to. How cool would that be?

This is what I want to happen as a result of my Global dream wall:

  • We are reminded every day of how awesome our expat experience was.
  • We never forget about those friends.
  • We never stop being a global family (big fear of mine right now)
  • We celebrate as a family when we get to hang new pictures and paint new countries.
  • We’ve got a huge conversation piece that let’s us talk about our story.

That’s one idea but there must be a billion more.  Get crazy creative to help yourself  (and your family) not lose touch with the pieces of your life that have moved on.  Share your ideas in the comment section.

 

Tip #7:  Michael W. Smith Was Wrong

Sorry – I know not everyone reading this grew up in the American, Christian 80’s like I did but if you did it’s likely that you have a love hate relationship with the song (it’s hard to even type it) . . .

Friends are Friends Forever

We sang this song at every camp, every graduation and every youth event we attended for at least a decade.  Each time the result was the same — dozens of violently weeping teenagers locked up in a gigantic group hug . . . then we played it again because whatever it was we were doing . . . was over and we couldn’t bear the thought.

Before I digress let me just take issue with one line . . .

“But we’ll keep you close as always . . . it won’t even seem (short pause) you’ve gone . . . “

Nope.  Not true.

When they leave, it most certainly does seem like they’ve gone and they are nowhere near as close as always.

It’s a great thought, but in the interest of closing the gap between expectations and reality.  I thought you should know.

 

Tip #8:  It doesn’t Get Better

Geesh.  This blog post is depressing.  Sorry.

I talk to a boatload of expats.  All of them hate June (click here to find out more)  but the ones who have the hardest time with people leaving are not the rookies, they’re the vets.  The  15+ crowd are the ones who ball like babies and say, “I am SO SICK OF GOODBYES!!”

You’d think they might have it figured out by now but they don’t.  Scratch that — some of them do — but for the ones who really get Tip #9, it never gets better.  In fact it gets worse every year.

 

DubandTashTip #9:  Never Stop Engaging

Saying Goodbye is hard.  It’s crummy actually (pardon my harsh language) and frankly saying goodbye to multiple friends every year (not just in June) can wear on a person.  It is normal and common to become callous.  Whether you consciously make the decision or not your brain is smart enough to make the connection without you.

“If I don’t get close to these new people, it won’t hurt so bad when they leave.”

Ding, ding, ding . . . you, my friend have figured it out.  The secret to the painless expat life.

One catch.  Write this down and then underline it . . .

 

It hurts because it is good.

 

The better it is, the more it hurts.   You can absolutely save yourself massive amounts of pain by not engaging in new relationships but as a trade off you will miss even more massive amounts of really good stuff.

And that’s only looking at it from a selfish perspective.  Long termers who hurt deeply when people leave have inevitably poured their lives into people who have grown by knowing them.  Those who figure out the secret, on the other hand, become bitter, closed off and have little impact.

Your choice.

Bonus Tip:  Don’t be who you’re not.  You may be a total introvert.  Staying engaged doesn’t mean you need to sign on to be the community welcomer extraordinaire.  However, when you are engaging at a level that is lower than your norm, you might be headed the wrong direction.

Tip #10.  (Wanna’ Guess?)  Grace — Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself

  • When you’re departing bestie makes up a reason to be mad at you so it won’t hurt so bad to say goodbye.  Give her some grace.
  • When a RAFTing departer “forgives” you for something you didn’t even know you did.  Give him some grace.
  • When you thought they were going to Skype and they didn’t.  Grace.
  • When someone plays “Friends are Friends Forever” at the goodbye dinner.  Grace.
  • When the new people think they can just come right in and be your friends.  Give them some grace and just be their friend.
  • When you watch your fourth good friend of the year wave from airport security and disappear . . . it’s for you too . . . Whatever happens next, give yourself some grace.

 

It hurts because it’s good. (underlined because it’s true)

If you are a Stayer, I hope this helps.

If you know a Stayer, please pass this on.

If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy.  Add your tips.  What worked for you?

 

 

Leaving Well: 10 Tips for Repatriating with Dignity

TransitionIt’s that time of year again.  Leaving time.

 

This is the time when thousands of individuals and families who have spent time living in a foreign country, will pack it up and call it a day.  If you’ve never been that person you may be surprised that there is a specific high season for leaving but if you call yourself a foreigner I probably just struck a chord.  Even if you’re staying right where you are the annual Expat Exodus is a tough time.

Click here to see why expats hate June

If you are leaving, I feel your pain.  I was you exactly one year ago.  After 7 years in China we found ourselves packing up, saying goodbyes and downsizing the full sum of our family’s possessions into 8 suitcases.  To call it a high stress time doesn’t even come close.

 

Here are ten tips that we have picked up on the journey.

 

Tip #1:  Make a Plan

Seriously.  The last days of your expat experience are inevitably going to be chaotic.  Your schedule will get crammed with unexpected details and all of the things you really want to do run the risk of being pushed out.  The day you wanted to spend with your closest friends will get squeezed by your well meaning 15th closest friends who “need” to take you out to dinner.  You get stuck regretting that you missed a lost opportunity with your #1’s or feeling like an absolute jerk to your #15’s.

It all works better with a plan.  Start as early as you can.  Include appropriate time for your 15’s but reserve your best time for your 1’s.

Take an hour.  A day.  A weekend.  Write it out.  Make a spreadsheet.  Draw a picture.  Whatever works for you but make a plan.

 

Tip #2:  Build a RAFT

One of the simplest and most brilliant plans for transitioning well was developed by the late Dr. David Pollock.  It’s called building a RAFT (genius).  Paying attention to these four areas can mean the difference between success or failure, flopping or thriving,  great memories or horrible regrets.  Way too much for one blog post but you should Google it (Try “Pollock RAFT”).

Here’s the short version of what goes into a RAFT:

Reconciliation:  Strained or broken relationships don’t go away when you do.  Make it right.

Affirmation:  People are dense.  Don’t assume they know how much impact they have had on your life.  Say it well.

Farewell:  Different people need different goodbyes.  Think beyond people (places, pets and possessions too).

Think Destination:  Even if you’re going “home”, much has changed.  Brace yourself.  Think forward.

Tip #3:  Leave Right Now

When are you leaving?  June 6th?  15th?  21st?

Chances are you answer that question with the date on your plane ticket.  Fair enough and technically correct but if you think you are leaving when you get on the plane you’re missing something really important.

Leaving is a PROCESS — not an event.

You started leaving when you made the decision to go and you will be leaving even as you settle in to your next home.  Everything you do as you prepare for the airplane is a part of the process.  Each meal with friends, each walk around the city, each trip to the market, each bumbling foreigner mistake are all pieces of the process which is closing out your full expat experience.

You are leaving now.

 

Tip #4:  Give Your Best Stuff Away

What to do with the things you can’t take with you is always an issue.  Don’t be surprised when the non-leaving expats come crawling out of the woodworks to lay claim on your toaster oven or your bicycle.  Opening your home for a “rummage” sale may be a good way to sneak in some good goodbyes.  Posting pictures online or sending an email may get you a better price with less work.

Consider this though — Giving your stuff away might just be a great way to add some gusto to your goodbyes.  Giving your BFF something that you could sell for a lot of money can be a powerful expression of how much you value their friendship.  It’s not about price.  It’s about value.  Maybe it’s a cheap trinket with a special memory attached.  Even better but give something more than your leftover ketchup and mop bucket.

 

Photo BombTip #5:  Photo Bomb Everything

Go crazy with the pictures.  Pictures are what you’re going to be looking at twenty years from now when you can barely remember what life was like way back then.  There is no better way to capture great events.  More than that though, pictures can become the event themselves.  Grab your friends, your camera and hit the town like supermodels.  Go to your favorite spots.  Eat your favorite foods.  Take a thousand pictures (that’s a conservative number) and laugh until it hurts.

You’ll love yourself for doing it in 20 years.

Too crazy for your blood?  Tone it down and hire a photographer to do a photo shoot for you and your friends.  Then go to dinner.

Picture events can be a great way to say goodbye to your friends and the memories will last for decades.

 

Tip #6:  Rank Your Friends

You read me right.  Don’t be afraid to rate your friends from best to worst.  Write down everyone you know and tag a number on them.  Your highest ranking friends need a special level of your attention as you leave.  In contrast you don’t need to do dinner with people if you don’t know their name.

Here’s an example but make it your own

Closest Friends — Quality time alone – Go away for the weekend

Close friends — Go to dinner individually

Good Friends — Go out as a small group

Friends — Invite to a going away party

Acquaintances — Send an email about your departure

Stupid People — Walk the other way when you see them

Important sidenote – Once you have your plan you should destroy all evidence that you ever ranked your friends.  Seriously.  What kind of person are you?  Jerk.

 

Tip #7:  Don’t Fret the Tears or the Lack Thereof

Know what’s really common as you pack up to shift every piece of your life to a different part of the planet and say goodbye to people and places you have grown to love deeply?

Emotion.

Know what else is common?

Lack of emotion.

Strange I know but people are different.  Crying makes sense.  There is plenty to cry about.  However, wanting to cry and not being able to is every bit as normal.  Maybe it’s because you’ve already cried yourself out.  Maybe it’s because the hard part for you was the process of deciding to leave and you spent all your emotion there.  Maybe you just can’t wait to get out.

Whatever the reason — don’t feel guilty for weeping like a baby . . . or for not.

 

Tip #8:  Get specific

When you are telling people how much they mean to you don’t settle for the generic version:

“Hey, (punch on the shoulder) you really mean a lot to me.”

Where I come from, that would pass for good, solid, heartfelt, transparent affirmation.  Almost too mushy.  But try setting that statement aside for a moment and lead with the specifics.

    • What have they done that means so much to you?
    • How has that impacted your life?
    • What qualities have they shared that you are taking with you?
    • What are some specific examples?
    • How are you a better person for knowing them?

THEN finish with . . . “and you really mean a lot to me.”

People are dense.  Don’t assume they know how you feel.

Bonus Tip:  You get extra points for being awkward.  Make eye contact.  Go for broke.

 

Tip #9:  Do Your Homework

What’s the protocol for checking out of your apartment complex?

What’s the penalty for breaking your lease?

What immunizations and paperwork does your cat need to fly home with you?

Does he need to be quarantined?  Before you leave?  After you arrive?

How do you close out your bank account?  Your cell phone?

What’s the weight limit for luggage on your airline?  What’s the penalty for going over?

This list goes on and on and only bits and pieces of it are relevant to you.  But in the masterful words of G.I. Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.”

A little homework early can save you a huge headache and a boatload of cash during an already stressful time.

 

Tip #10:  GRACE — Give it freely and keep some for yourself

When your good friend finds out you’re leaving and asks if he can have your TV . . . Give him some grace.

When your kids don’t know how to process so they just fight . . . Give them some grace.

When your husband shuts down and doesn’t talk for a day . . . Give him some grace.

When your wife explodes for “no reason” . . . Grace.

When your landlord tries to milk you for some extra money . . . Grace.

When the whole community doesn’t even seem to care that you’re leaving . . . Grace.

When your #15 asks if she can ride to the airport with you and your #1 . . . Grace.

When someone offers you half what your asking for your Christmas tree . . . Grace.

When you fall apart and snap on your friends, your kids, your spouse or the lady trying to steal your Christmas tree . . . it’s for you too . . . Grace.

Leaving is hard.  There’s really no way around it.  People whom you love dearly will inevitably and with the best of intentions, say and do very stupid things.  So will you.

Grace.

If you are packing up, I hope this helps.

If you know someone who is packing up, please pass this on.

If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy.  Add your tips.  What worked for you?

 

Click here for Part 2 about what happens after the plane ride:  Landing Well — 10 More Tips on Repatriating With Dignity

And here for Part 3 about saying goodbye and going nowhere:  Staying Well — 10 Tips for Expats Who Are Left Behind

 

 

Ten Years of The Culture Blend

Ten years ago today I hit “publish” for the first time. I had no clue.

I had no clear agenda. No long term goal. No 10 step plan for optimizing SEO, driving traffic, managing bounce rate, or maximizing widgets.

I barely knew what a blog was.

I just knew that cultures, smashing together, mixing, tangling, merging, jumbling, sometimes exploding, but always blending, was something that sparked my synapses, and I wanted a place to write about it.

So, with the expert tech support of my way cooler and much more savvy colleagues, we launched a blog with this post.



Will it blend?

What a ride.

The Culture Blend has been a decade long whiteboard for scribbling out the thoughts that keep me up at night and a platform for sharing what I am learning along the way. It has followed me through repatriation, re-expatriation, experimental expatriation, and re-repatriation and it has given birth to three books.

99 Questions for Global Friends

99 Questions for Global Families

The Day Grandma Got Us Kicked Out of Mexico

More than anything … it has been a point of connection. A watering hole where global beasts and traveling herds with vast differences and similar stories have come together, interacted, gotten some refreshment, and moved on to the next thing. I am so thankful for the kindred souls that I may never have met had I never hit “publish” in 2011.

So if you’ve got a minute, celebrate with me. Reminisce a little. Dig into something you missed along the way. Connect. Reconnect. Reach out to your global people and remember how good it is when cultures blend.

Here are the Top Ten Culture Blend Posts from the past ten years

Number ONE
The Transition that NEVER ENDS: The ongoing cycle of Expat Stayers, Goers, and Newbies

Number TWO

The Seven Lies of Living Cross-Culturally

Number THREE

Why Expats Hate June

Number FOUR

Leaving Well: Ten Tips for Repatriating with Dignity

Number FIVE

When I was Your Age: An Expat Dad’s Note to His Kids

Number SIX

Landing Well: Ten More Tips for Repatriating With Dignity

Number SEVEN

How to Drive an Expat Crazy: Ten Ways to Irritate Someone Who Has Lived Abroad

Number EIGHT

Staying Well: 10 Tips for Expats Who Are Left Behind

Number NINE

Repatriating Normally: 10 Things That Make Coming Home Feel Weird

Number TEN

Should I Stay or Should I Go? 12 Things That Expats Should Consider When They are Considering Leaving

Wherever you are. Wherever you’re going. Wherever you’ve been and however you got here.

Thanks for reading The Culture Blend.

Leaving Poorly: A Whole New Set of Options for Departing Expats

 

There’s a ton of information out there for expats who are coming down to the last days of their time abroad on how to Leave Well. I say fair enough since — you know — it’s an important topic — and I wrote a lot of it.

 

Click to read

 

Here’s the thing. Not EVERYONE WANTS to leave WELL. What about those people? Don’t see many books or blog posts out there for them do you?

So here you go. For those who are just done. Over it. SO ready to fly away, never look back and leave a trail of mess behind them.

(Alternatives offered for those still on the fence)

 

Here are TEN WAYS to Leave Poorly

 

ONE: CHECK OUT EARLY

Finishing is hard. Let’s just get on with it. Want to leave poorly? Turn your FULL attention to NEXT as soon as you can. Spend every spare moment daydreaming, Googling, Youtubing or Zillowing the next thing. Do the bare minimum on this side. What are they gonna’ do? Fire you?

 

An alternative: Set aside specific hours to pay attention to “NEXT”. Focus like a laser beam during those hours. Dream. Plan. Job hunt. Connect — but set an alarm. Then be PRESENT where you are. Don’t let frustration steal your best moments.

 

TWO: SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR

People have a lot going on. They don’t need to be bothered by your dramatic departure. Farewells are hard and frankly, the people who are NOT leaving are kind of sick of it. Book your flight early and don’t tell people when you’re leaving. Send an email later (if you think of it).

 

An alternative: Let it hurt. Let it be awkward. Do the crying and the hugging and the intentional eye contact blubbering. Say what you really feel before you fly away. 

 

THREE: FAKE A FIGHT

Let your Leaving Brain take over — it will do the rest. Somewhere in your subconscious, you understand that leaving is hard BECAUSE it is good. The gooder (now a word) it is, the harder it is. So put your brain on autopilot and let it drum up some some self protective conflict. Presto — less good — less hard. It’s simple math really.

 

An alternative: Recognize what your brain is doing. You’re normal if extra (sometimes petty) problems show up during transition. Keep short accounts. Apologize quickly. Deal with the hard stuff but don’t let it drive. 

Click here to find out Why Transition is Like Puberty

 

FOUR: START A SMALL THRIFT STORE

This is a GREAT way to leave poorly AND make some cash on the side. Make sure you get the BEST price for EVERYTHING you get rid of. Be firm. People will come rushing in like vultures trying to get a good deal. Don’t get taken advantage of.

 

An Alternative: Take a financial hit for a relational gain. Your stuff is valuable but your time is precious and your people are priceless. Don’t feel guilty for selling your stuff but don’t let it rob you of time with your people. Consider giving your best stuff to your best people as a departing gift. They’ll see it and think of you for years to come. The money will be gone in days. 

Click here to read “Transition and Stuff”

 

FIVE: FOCUS ON THE DARK SIDE

Repeat after me: “I am SO BUSY!!”

Try this one: “This place is STUPID!!”

One more: “I’m EXHAUSTED!!”

Now take a few minutes and think of your own. Choose five. Write them on post-it-notes and put them around your home. Be very intentional to start EVERY conversation with one of these five. Don’t be fooled by sweet gestures and niceties. You’re too busy for that — probably too tired as well.

 

An Alternative: Acknowledge that parts of this are just plain hard. It IS exhausting. You ARE busy. But this is a season and it’s going to be over soon. Now realize that the good things are going with it too. This place may be challenging AND you will probably miss it terribly. 

 

SIX: JUST LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

Busy? Stressed? Exhausted? Take all of your post-it-notes from number 5 and put a HAPPY STAMP on them. Just smile big and speak in cheery tones. Ignore the bad stuff — you’ll be gone soon anyway, Avoid the “bad” people — you never have to deal with them again if you can just hold on.

 

An alternative: Deal with your issues. Forgive people. Ask for forgiveness. Address it all but do it in such a way that you can move forward. Little secret: Issues fly. Skipping them now doesn’t mean they won’t travel with you. 

 

SEVEN: STEAL THE SHOW

You are leaving. That’s a big deal. Probably the biggest deal in your life right now. Fair enough. INSIST that it become the biggest deal in everyone else’s life as well. Dominate the community with the “I AM LEAVING YOU SHOULD BE SAD” narrative.

 

An Alternative: Be sensitive to the community who gets left A LOT.  Put some time and thought into a plan for maximizing the VALUE of farewell times without dominating other people’s already busy schedules. Don’t contribute to “FAREWELL FATIGUE.” It’s ok for this to be the biggest thing in your life and not theirs.

Click here to read about The Transition That Never Ends

 

EIGHT: SAVE YOUR LAST WEEK FOR YOUR LANDLORD

A surefire way to leave poorly — consider the most annoying and frustrating tasks possible and ensure that your final moments are spent doing exactly that. Never fails. Why spend time sharing meals and connecting with your closest friends when you could be closing bank accounts, stopping cell service or fighting with your landlord about how much it costs to fix a scratch on the refrigerator.

 

An Alternative: Get your affairs in order early. Take care of logistics or at least set them in motion so your final moments can be shared with the people of your choosing.

 

NINE: HAVE A SUPERHERO COMPLEX

You’ve worked hard. Put a lot into this place. It’s probably going to fall to pieces when you leave. Spend a ton of time making sure that your replacement will be able to do EVERYTHING EXACTLY like you have. Consider every possibility and leave detailed instructions. Convince yourself they’ll actually do it that way and pretend that it is all for their good and not just to satisfy your sensitive ego.

Bonus tip — Start every line with: “It’s TOTALLY up to you but you’ll probably want to . . . ”

Passive aggression is the best.

 

An Alternative: Take a deep breath. Your contribution means something. Your work has been good — but expat communities are transient and forward moving. Your impact will be felt but something is going to change from the way you have done it. Help your successor . . . don’t box them in. 

 

TEN: LIVE GRACELESSLY

Times of transition are tough for everyone . . . but mostly for you. Make sure people know that.

 

An Alternative:  Forgive and seek forgiveness even before you’re asked. Let people off the hook when they say or do stupid things. Make people your priority on the way out. Give grace like crazy to all of them . . . and keep some for yourself. 

OR

You could leave poorly. Either way.

 

 

The Five (Ironic) Enemies of Living Cross-Culturally

against the bossIronically, this post is based entirely on an outright assumption. 

My assumption is this.  If crossing cultures is a part of your life then you probably have some comprehension of the things that prevent you from doing that well.  You don’t need a blog to tell you that mockery (for example) is going to slow you down if you’re really trying grasp the heart and soul of a people group that is different from your own.

Let’s get honest — it doesn’t mean you don’t mock. The cheap laugh. The sarcastic wisecrack.  The overstated accent.  We’ve all gone there at some point but generally speaking we know it’s not a good thing.  You’ll find very few blogs that defend mockery as a mechanism to thrive as an expat.

Plenty of them that mock.  Few that defend it.

There are numerous other attackers of the healthy expat life.  Obvious ones like racism (no-brainer there), arrogance, stereotyping, ethnocentrism, name-calling.  How about crawling into a hole and hiding from reality?  That’s one.  Maybe screaming “SPEAK ENGLISH!!” at people who don’t know how.  Not a best practice.

Nothing new there.

These are the super villains — the arch-enemies of understanding a culture that is different from your own.  I’m assuming you know that already — BUT — in fairness, assuming should probably go on the list.

Ohhh the irony.  Let’s roll with that.

This is a list of the lesser obvious bad guys.  These are the culprits that you don’t see coming.  They blend in with the best practices and sometimes they even share the same names.  However, in their sneaky, subtle ways they often cause more trouble than the big ones.

These are the ironic enemies of living cross-culturally

(count-down style for dramatic effect)

 

perfidiousEnemy # 5:  Grinning

We’ve established mockery as a bad thing right?  Usually expats (following  a period of adjustment) develop an instinctively visceral reaction to blatant, full on mockery of their host culture.

I, for example, grow Wolverine claws when the “hilarious”, self-proclaimed comedians from my own culture pop off with something like, “OOOHHHH you go to China?  Ah ching chang willy willy bing bang bong.”

Trust me.  It happens.

Expats (at least the healthy ones) move past mockery.  However — sometimes the remnants remain.

It comes in the form a tiny little grin — a raised eyebrow — a silent head shake — an under the breath giggle (or sometimes a snort).  Often it’s a shared moment of eye contact with someone who knows exactly what you’re saying in your head even though you didn’t say a word out loud.  It’s micro-mockery and chances are it is much less externally damaging than it’s full grown form.  Unfortunately, internally it’s fueled from the same source — a betterness complex and a sense of cultural superiority.

Bonus tip:  Judge your ownself.  Apart from time and relationship there is no weapon that works against mockery except the “awkward juke of shame”.

“You know guys, I just really don’t feel like that kind of talk is appropriate.”

That will stop Mr. Ching Chang dead in his tracks but it won’t change his heart.  He just learned that he can’t make that joke around you . . . because you are hypersensitive.  Try starting by being aware of where your own grins are coming from and model something different.

 

Enemy #4:  Progress 

Cross-cultural progress is a wild ride.  I have a reputable source who says I am not the only one who set goals on the front end of my expat experience which turned out to be tantamount to a typical New Year’s resolution.  Dropped cold by week three.

The consequence is a feeling (somewhere along the line) that we have failed miserably as expats.

“I thought I would be fluent by now and I can only order three dishes.”

“I planned to have great relationships and I haven’t even met my neighbors.”

“I was so ready to go exploring and I’ve barely left my apartment.” 

We’re stuck with a depressing sense that we have made zero progress — UNTIL — someone comes to visit from our previous life.

IT IS AWESOME!

In one trip to the airport we transform into some kind of an expat superstar.  The last time you saw these people you were at exactly the same level of linguistic fluency and cultural savvy.  Now look at you.  You’re practically a local.

So you see, progress can leave you delusional on both ends.  You mistake yourself for a miserable failure or a colossal  success based on a misguided assessment of what progress is supposed to look like.

Bonus Tip:  Slow and steady wins the race.  Progress (of course) is not an inherently bad thing but it doesn’t function well in extremes.  Your benchmark is not the people who know nothing anymore than it is the people who know everything.  Keep moving forward.

 

WinnerEnemy #3:  High Praise

It’s been nearly ten years since we first moved to China.  I must have ridden in a thousand taxis.  That means that 900 plus taxi drivers have told me how great my Chinese is.

It’s really not.

Generally I lead with something simple like, “ni hao” which means “hello”.  To which they say “WAAAH!! You’re Chinese is SO good!”

To which I say, “why thank you — I have been working on my ‘hello’.”

I know that not all expat experiences are like my China one but often a misunderstanding of cultural obligations surrounding hospitality combined with low expectations of the foreigners (like myself) result in a sort of surface level accolade that is easily mistaken by the dolt foreigner (like myself) as a fair and accurate assessment.    “These people love me and wish they could be more like me!”

Sounds ridiculous but it’s not far from spot on.

Living in a highly complimentary host culture is not a bad gig if you can get it.  However, the really good stuff is below the surface.  Expats who set up camp in a La La Land of “They love me” miss the joy of genuine relationship.  It’s a painful moment, though, when the Emperor discovers he’s not wearing clothes.

Bonus Tip:  Ask double third person questions.  Don’t ask your friends what they think of you.  Ask them what their friends think of other foreigners — then assume that’s what they think of you.  Brace yourself.  You may be naked.

 

ProblemsEnemy #2:  Asking “WHY?”

Some of the best advice I ever got came from a veteran expat who told me to stop asking “why”.

My first response was knee jerk . . . “Seriously?  Why?”

“Why” is the core.  It is the source.  It is the deep-rooted nucleus of everything that is happening around you.  It is often ancient at it’s origins but complexified by hundreds, maybe thousands of years of socio-cultural events, political uprisings, economic trends, religious undertones and philosophical masterminds.  Not to mention every “why” has a different answer — a different source — a different nucleus.

“Why do they eat with sticks?”

“Why do they rub noses?

“Why do they slam the ball into the ground, scream at the sky and punch each other when they score?”

The first assumption when you ask “why” is that the person whom you have asked actually knows the answer.  The second assumption is that once you have heard it, you do too.  Asked and answered is far too simple a process  for nuclear topics.

Why should you not ask why? (are you following the irony here?).  Because you can’t handle the why.  That’s why.

Be a constant inquisitor but ask “who, what, when, where, how?”  “Why” will become clearer over time.

Bonus tip:  If you must ask “why” commit to asking it 100 times.  Don’t accept that the first answer is the full one.  Pile a hundred partially correct answers together, though, and you’ll start to get the picture.  You’ll also realize how big the question is.

 

AND the #1 (ironic) enemy of living cross culturally . . . drum roll please

 

Enemy #1:  Grace

If you have ever read anything that I have written you’re likely calling me a big fat hypocrite right now.

You are freakishly observant.

Grace is a theme for me.  I have held it out there as a key (if not THE key) to thriving in practically every aspect of cross-cultural life (if not life in general).

See for yourself . . .

Leaving Well

Landing Well

Staying Well 

Receiving Well

Going Nowhere

I’m like a broken record and I’m not taking it back — but I’ve noticed something about myself.

I am great at extending grace . . . selectively.

Here’s an example:  I am quick to give grace to my Chinese friends if they say something that could sound offensive.

“Meh — it’s cultural.  They probably don’t know any better.”

However — When my friends back home (the ones who look, talk, think and act like me) say something equally offensive (“ching chang” for example) I am disproportionately slower to allow grace into the equation.

“Idiots.  They should know better.”

This is where it stings a little.  My selective grace — my harshness towards my own — is actually an expression of my own betterness complex.

“My people should know better than the poor, uninformed others.”

Don’t read me wrong.  I’m NOT suggesting that you should give less grace to your host culture.  Please don’t.  Nor am I suggesting that you should let Mr. Ching Chang entirely off the hook.  You can play that one by ear.

I may not even be suggesting anything but what I have recognized in myself is that when there is a disparity in my willingness to give grace it may be a result of some uncovered, yet to be dealt with prejudice.

In other words — when I’m pointing out one group’s prejudice and ignoring another’s . . . I’m revealing my own.

Ouch.

Bonus Tip:  Cultures are not just foreign.  It helps to recognize that “my people” have a culture too.  A rich and imperfect history.  A deep and misguided understanding of the world.  A vast set of presuppositions built on centuries of shared experiences.

 

There they are.  The sneaky.  The subtle.  The ironic enemies of living cross-culturally.

Now you know and “Knowledge is Power”.

Ironically “knowledge” should probably be on the list since once you think you know something you stop trying to understand it.

Ohh the irony.  Let’s stop there.

 

Something to add?  Ironic enemy # 6?  #7?  #8?  Comment below and pass it on.

 

 

The Expat Exodus: 10 Questions Every Repatriating Expat Should Consider Before They Leave

Young girl with suitcase walking down the street. Rear view

 

It’s coming again . . . the massive, painful, Expatriate Exodus

 

As I write this there are thousands of expats scattered across the planet who are packing up their lives and making plans for whatever comes next.  It happens every year and the high season for leavers is upon us.

click here to see why expats hate June

I myself repatriated just two years ago and am now preparing to return to my life as an expat.  So whether I am re-expatting  or becoming an ex-repat one truth is painfully clear.

I am leaving . . . again.

Here are some questions that I have found to be helpful by watching people leave well.

 

Question 1:  Are you Crazy?  

This is not so much a “yes” or “no” question.  I’m just establishing a baseline.

Maybe a better question would be “how crazy are you and is that enough?”

What you are about to go through is quite frankly . . .  crazy.  Not the “mentally deranged” type of crazy.  That’s a separate issue.   This is more of a “you’re just not like the normal people” kind of crazy.  Normal people pack their bags and take a trip.  They ask the neighbor to watch the cat.  They say goodbye, go away . . . and then come back.  That is normal.

What you are doing is not normal.  You’re packing it ALL up . . . or selling it . . . or giving it away . . . including the cat.  You’ll say goodbye and you’ll go away but that is where you part ways from the normal people.  Literally and figuratively.

It’s good to wrap your head around the fact that the next few months of your lives is not going to be normal.  Even for you.  It’s also good to know that this is a season.  There is a beginning and an end.  Normal will return but for now and for a little while it’s gonna’ be crazy.

It will help if you are too — at least a little.

Question 2:  Are you Leaving Well  or Leaving Happy?

There is a monstrous difference between leaving well and leaving happy.  Leaving happy can range from, “I’m just happy to be leaving” to “It’ll be just like I never left.”  Regardless, you’re missing something if your primary focus is how you feel when you get on the plane.

How about a sports metaphor?  Tickling a runner with a broken leg so hard they nearly wet themselves doesn’t get them ready for the next race.

Leaving happy may mean setting yourself up for a fall in the near future.

Here are some of the differences between leaving well and leaving happy:

  • Leaving happy remembers the good times and ignores the bad.
  • Leaving well celebrates the good and learns from the bad. It mourns and adjusts.
  • Leaving happy anticipates an unrealistic future — “It will be better when . . . “
  • Leaving well prepares for the inevitable high’s and low’s to come.
  • Leaving happy candy coats reality.
  • Leaving well addresses the bitter and the sweet.
  • Leaving happy leaves relationships  . . . nice.
  • Leaving well let’s them go deep.

For more about Leaving Well read these posts from last year’s Expat Exodus series

 

Question 3:  Have you considered that going home might be harder than leaving?

Sorry — don’t kill the messenger.

This is something that I’ve heard over and over.  Going “home” was more difficult than becoming a foreigner.

We could go a thousand different directions here but I think the roots of the issue can be found in the mammoth gap between your expectations and reality.

  • You think you are going “home” but your “home concept” is outdated.  Home changed while you were out.  So did you.
  • You think it will be easy to get around now that you speak the language but “the language” is going to overwhelm you.
  • You expected to be an incompetent, bumbling idiot when you moved abroad but you’ve got no clue that you’re about to feel that way again.
  • You’ve got great stories and can’t wait to tell all your friends.  Bless your heart.  Not all of them want to hear your stories.
  • You’re excited about your favorite cereal but the cereal aisle is about to destroy you.

Question 4: Do you know that you’re NOT weird?

Crazy? Yes.  Weird? No.

I get to spend quality time with dozens of exiting expats every spring.  It is remarkable to me how many of them share the exact same anxieties.  What is even more remarkable is that most of them feel isolated in that anxiety.  Whatever they’re feeling, they’re pretty certain they are the only ones feeling it.

You may not be normal but it’s almost guaranteed that you’re a normal repat.

You might be a normal repat . . .

  • If you are leaving in two months and still have no clue where you’re going to work . . . or live.
  • If you’ve been fighting with your spouse . . . your kids . . . your friends . . . your co-workers more than usual.
  • If walking by the vegetable market makes you cry.
  • If group hugs with your weeping bff’s don’t make you cry at all even when you try your hardest.
  • If you’re finding yourself more frustrated with your host culture than you have been in a long time.
  • If you’re having vivid . . . or scary . . . or senseless . . . or stressful dreams.
  • If you’re having deja vu a lot.
  • If you’re having deja vu a lot.
  • If you feel like expat life has changed you . . . and you’re afraid going home will “change you back”.
  • If the thought of politics, or pop culture, or school, or church or the nightly news at home makes you vomit a little bit in your mouth.
  • If you are afraid.
  • If you are excited.
  • If you are something that is not on this list.  Anything.

Trust me.  You are not alone.

 

Question 5: Do you have a plan?

Trust me again.  Trying to round out this important chapter of your life without a plan is a sure way to pile unnecessary stress on top of an already stressful process and miss some golden opportunities for doing this well.

It is basic supply and demand and your time is at a premium.  You can budget it like a wise investor or you can take your chances . . . like a drunken gambler.

A well thought out plan ensures that your best friends get your best time and your ok friends get your ok time.  It also protects you from well meaning time suckers and circumstances which are neither good nor ok.

Even if you’re not a planner.  You’ll do better with a plan.

 

Question 6: Does your plan include a buffer?

 

The best laid plans of Mice and Men oft go awry

And leave us naught but grief and pain for promised joy!”

-Robert Burns — To A Mouse

 

Frankly I think old Robert was off by an “oft”.  Your best plan will ALWAYS go awry.  Something will come up.  Someone will cancel.  It will rain or snow or your taxi will get lost or you will develop a fluke allergic reaction to shoes.  Something will not go as planned.  Guaranteed.

 

So what is the plan then?  The plan is to stick to the plan 100% . . . and then be flexible when the plan doesn’t work out like you planned it.  Leave yourself some wiggle room if at all possible.
  • Do the hard stuff first.
  • Protect your last two weeks.
  • If possible consider leaving later rather than sooner (even a few days makes a big difference)
  • You’ll be packing until you leave your house or apartment — Consider some time in a hotel or with friends before you leave.

 

Question 7: If you were on a plane right now what would you be wishing you would have done better?

Stepping through the security gate at the airport is a bit of a surreal moment.  It serves as a sort of portal into the next chapter.  Once you step through and lose eye contact with your entourage it all turns real.  That’s it.  Chapter over.  Page turned.

It’s a weird mix of lonely and liberating but it marks the end of the last chances.

Sure, you’ve got Skype and email and tons of frequent flyer miles so it’s not all doom and gloom but it is definitely and entirely different.

Now (pre-leaving) is your best time for awkward eye contact and goofy “you’ve changed my life” speeches.  Hug emojis are not actual hugs.  Skype is not the same as your favorite coffee shop.  Facebook can’t compare to a best friend photo shoot.

There is no time to do everything you want to do . . . but there is time to do some of it.

Why are you even still reading this?  Go.

 

Question 8: What are you taking with you? 

Wrestling with the literal version of this question can be painful.  Are you shipping your things or downsizing to the maximum suitcase allowance?  What are you NOT taking and how are you getting rid of it?  Who wants your toaster and more importantly who do you want to have it?

Great time to take inventory.

The figurative version of this question though is where it gets rich.  How are you different from the person you were when you started this adventure?  What has changed inside of you?

  • What do you value that you never valued before?
  • How have your core beliefs been challenged and stretched and strengthened?
  • What memories will make you grin until you are old and wrinkly?
  • How have you been transformed by this whole, crazy experience?

Consciously thinking about these things is a part of moving forward with a strong foundation.

Side question:  What are you leaving behind?  Try that one literally and figuratively too.

 

hugging-smileysQuestion 9: Do people REALLY know how you feel about them?

Let me answer that one for you.

Unless you have told them . . . specifically . . . in very clear and simple terms . . . then NO — people do NOT know how you feel about them.

Why?  Because people are dense.

People generally know the headlines but they don’t just assume the details.  They may know that you appreciate them but they don’t know why.  They don’t know what it is about them that made you start respecting them.  They don’t know the impact (specifically) that they have had on you.  They don’t know how you are a different person for knowing them and they don’t know how you can only hope and dream to impact other people the way they have you.

Because they’re dense.

But it’s ok.  You’re dense too.

Assume nothing.  Leave them knowing.

 

Question 10: Are you being selfish?

It is a stressful time.  I get it.  Trust me.  I get it.

You need to sell your stuff and pack your bags and make your plan, look people in the eyeballs and say good healthy goodbyes.  You need to be thinking forward and backward and right now all at the same time and you can’t afford to miss a single moment.  You’re overwhelmed with details and people won’t stop asking you for your blender.

You’re leaving and life is tough for a leaver.

But look around.  Those people around you . . . are being left.  Again.

Leavers are not the only ones impacted by the Expat Exodus.  You know what it feels like.  Chances are, if you’re a leaver then you’ve also been left before.  Some of you have been left year after year for a long, long time.  You’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t get easier.

If you’re a Leaver — Why not share some grace with the Stayers . . . it’s the secret sauce to leaving well:

  • Give them grace when they ask for your blender . . . again.
  • Grace it up when they cancel dinner . . . again.
  • Show some grace when they disconnect early and act detached, or irritated, or downright angry.
  • Grace when they don’t come to your stuff sale.
  • Grace when they try to haggle at your stuff sale.
  • Grace when they want to spend every waking moment with you.
  • Grace when they insist on awkward eye contact.
  • Grace when they refuse to look you in the eye.
  • Grace on those who want you to leave happy when you’re trying to leave well.
  • Grace through the tears and the laughter and the sarcasm and the denial.
  • Grace all over everything.

You’re leaving.  Wait.  Scratch that.  WE are leaving.  This is a big part of our story.  It’s ok for that to be about us . . .

But it’s not ALL about us.

And P.S. — If you just realized that you have been selfish . . . give yourself a little grace too.

 

Are you leaving?  Why not take some intentional time to wrestle through these 10 questions?

Getting left or know others impacted by the Expat Exodus?  Please pass this on.

Got a thought, or a story, or another question to ponder?  Post it below.

 

 

Pandemics are Stupid (and other things I learned about transition in a 2020 global move)

I’m a Transition Specialist.

I know because that’s what is on my business cards — which are outdated — and in a suitcase — on a ship — somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea.

Feels like a metaphor for my life right now.

My role is to know things.

Important things like how to move from one country to another without finding yourself curled up in the fetal position, sucking your thumb on your bedroom floor six months in.

I’ve got a whole seminar for that.

Just kidding. That’s not a real seminar.

Yet.

But let’s just call it professional development that in the middle of a global pandemic I chose to uproot my family from a 14-year life in China to a European island . . . somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea.

Here’s the thing . . . Transition strips you bare.

It leaves you raw.

It exposes your deepest insecurities.

Exploits your weakest vulnerabilities.

Challenges your firmest principles.

Mocks your best ideas.

And it pokes your confidence right on the forehead with two fingers and says, “Alright tough guy. What do ya’ got now?”

I know. Because I’m a Transition Specialist . . . in transition.

I’m feeling it . . . in my core.

And yet, in all of the chaos, confusion, and mayhem of rearranging your entire, cushy system for getting life accomplished while upending your sense of community and knee-capping your structures of support — in all of the isolation, and frustration, and irritation, and second-guessing . . .

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO PAY ATTENTION . . .

There is NO BETTER PLACE to learn . . . and if you’re not careful, you might just learn something about yourself.

Here’s what I’m learning this time around

Knowing is ONLY half the battle

Sorry, G.I. Joe. I know you meant well but winning half a battle is kind of like jumping halfway over a pit of crocodiles.

Knowing about transition is critical. So important. It helps and it’s why I do what I do.

It’s reassuring to know I’m not going crazy.

It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.

It’s important to be equipped with strategies and tools.

But it’s not a free pass. Regardless of who you are or how much you know about the impact of transition, you don’t get to escape the pile of turds that comes with it.

Pardon my language. I’m a little raw.

Smooth does not mean easy

Full disclosure — I didn’t learn this one this time around. This transition has not been smooth. This transition started with canceled flights and snippy, Chinese airport personnel telling me I couldn’t use the flights that hadn’t been canceled. It was marked by delays and restrictions and days on hold with customer support and fantasizing that I could turn into the Incredible Hulk and throw buses at people.

That was just getting here.

But every transition is different.

I’ve had others that have gone off without a hitch — smooth rides from take-off to landing and instant, supportive community.

And it was still hard.

Go figure.

Rough does not mean bad

This transition has been the roughest — not unlike what I would imagine it might feel like to be strapped to a professional wrestler . . . and then rolled down a mountain . . . during an earthquake . . . while waiting for customer service to take me off of hold.

And still . . . we found golden minutes along the way. People bent over backwards to help us. We had extra outings and sweet moments of connection even in the middle of the ugliest melt-downs

And this one I love the most — I got to see the resilience and flexibility, that has been packed into my kids through all of the crazy changes they’ve been through, shine like diamonds.

None of this has been smooth — but some of it has been really, really good.

Pandemics are stupid

Anyone want to argue? Anyone?

I dare you.

How about you, key stockholders of the surgical mask or hand sanitizer companies?

I didn’t think so.

This is a mess. So if you’re brave (or crazy) enough to be taking on a global move right now (and I know I’m not the only one), just know that transition is hard on a good day. This one is compounded . . . complex . . . and NOT how it is supposed to go.

Be nice to yourself.

Talk shows aren’t funny without an audience

Am I right?

I mean, if Jimmy Kimmel tells a joke in the woods and no one laughs . . . is it still funny?

Turns out it’s not.

Here’s my point — when EVERYTHING around you changes in an instant you can’t pretend like it hasn’t and expect the same results — something has to give.

Figuring that out is called TRANSITION . . . and I’ve got a seminar for that.

For real. I’ll do that one if I get one taker.

But it won’t be free.

Loving something doesn’t always feel good

I love transition. I really do.

Still.

I love day one in a new country.

I love getting lost and finding my way back.

I love figuring out how the jumbled mess of puzzle pieces lock together, one by one, to reveal an incredible landscape that makes you want to frame it and hang it on the wall . . .

and start on the next puzzle.

Even more than that, I love walking with other people who are doing the same thing.

And sometimes . . . it hurts.

And it’s hard.

And it’s confusing.

And it’s lonely.

And you wonder if it was all just a big mistake.

So tell me one thing you’ve ever loved that hasn’t felt the same.

If you’re in the middle of global transition right now let me encourage you with these words:

ARE YOU INSANE?!! Don’t you know it’s 2020?!! What were you thinking?!!

Now soak it up. Don’t miss the good bits. Hang on tight and let’s get through this together.

If that’s you, drop a comment below.

Vent a little.

Tell us about the golden minutes.

Remind us all that we are not alone.

What have you learned . . . about yourself?