If you’ve been an expat for several years and you feel all alone . . . you’re not alone.
Surrounded by people and completely isolated.
That’s a common sentiment among expat newbies. The introduction INTO an existing team of expats can be an awkward mix of high energy ice-breakers, and jet-lag tainted orientations wrapped in the sobering reality that you know ZERO of these people.
“Hey everybody!! Let’s all scream ‘HI’ to the new guy who just got in at 3 am!! New guy, why don’t you stand on that chair, put on the “happy hat” and tell us your name, favorite ice cream flavor and most embarrassing experience with a toilet.”
Surrounded by people . . . and SO alone.
Here’s what they don’t tell you at orientation . . . it might happen again.
I once stood in front of a group of about a hundred expats at a conference and gave them a whole schpiel about welcoming the newbies. I did everything short of begging them to open their hearts and their homes.
“It’s hard to be new.”
“It’s hard to break in.”
“Give them a chance.”
Stuff like that.
When we were finished a 20 plus year expat veteran dropped a bomb that rocked my paradigm and opened my eyes to a broader reality.
“You know what else happens? The new people have come in behind us and now we are the ones who feel alone.”
Wow.
That one interaction caused me to start asking a question to all of the longtime Stayers that I talked to.
“When was it good?”
What years, in your expat experience, were the best? When was it golden? Wonderful?
With very few exceptions they would give me a similar answer.
Years 3, 4 and 5.
Then their eyes would gloss over and they would start reminiscing. They’d smile and cry and laugh and tell stories of the glory days that almost always include something really painful that they wish they could go back to.
“There were bugs in our oatmeal and the electricity only worked when we didn’t need it . . . man, I miss that.”
It’s pretty clear that this one woman at the conference wasn’t the only one feeling it . . . surrounded . . . alone . . . again.
Here’s my best summary of what I think happens.
- You work hard to find your tribe.
- You find them and it’s wonderful.
- They gradually move on and you gradually feel alone again.
Something like this
Veteran expats often feel less connected to a team than they once did. It doesn’t ALWAYS happen that way and everyone’s experience is unique but there is a definite, common thread.
Here are four thoughts about investing in longer, healthier connections
INVEST WIDER
Tribes are golden. Find your people. Do your thing. Build your story — but the moment you lock the door to your tribe the clock starts ticking. Global communities are transient and friends come and go. At least once a year consider how your circle of closest connections might best expand. You don’t have to be best friends with every, single person but you miss great relationships when you travel in a herd.
INVEST DEEPER (NOT JUST DEEP)
Going deep is hard but “hard” and “good” walk hand in hand. The challenge is that we typically see “DEEP” as an either-or option. We either bare our souls OR guard them. Sign on for raw vulnerability OR stick to surface chit-chat. It’s rich when instant, deep connections happen but it usually catches us off guard.
What would it look like, though, if you intentionally dug just ONE layer deeper into a wider range of relationships instead of waiting for that one magical moment with a kindred spirit?
You’ve got more options than deep or not deep. Go one deeper and see what happens
INVEST LOCALLY
Connect with people who aren’t going anywhere. Depending on your situation those relationships may be the reason you came in the first place or an afterthought cut off by the expat bubble. Regardless there is a sensical sweetness to engaging people who aren’t transient.
As a side note — when your time to move on does come around give those relationships proper respect. Locals who engage with expats get left a lot. You know how that feels. Don’t miss the opportunity to firm up the bond on the way out.
INVEST GLOBALLY
One of the great joys of expat life is the network of global relationships that grow up out of it.
Click here to read: Hello Again: The Unanticipated Bright Side of Perpetual Goodbyes
Don’t miss that. Work to stay connected even after the Goers are gone. Go out of your way to reconnect when you get within a reasonable striking distance.
The inevitable cycles of a cross-cultural life naturally bring seasons of deep connection and unexpected isolation — if you’re feeling stuck in that — try something unnatural. Intentionality moves the needle.
Got a story or an extra bit of wisdom? Comment below.
Know someone who needs this? Pass it on.
Jerry, this was exactly the moment I needed this…nearly 11 years abroad and 2 years into loneliness. Thank you.
Outstanding. Thanks for reading!
Very true and exactly what I am going through now. Thanks for helping me put a name and logic to it.
Lisa. You are certainly not alone. That’s a pretty common story. Hang in there. It ebbs and flows. Hard but good.
Great insights. We are in Year 1 and are doing great, but I anticipate many highs and lows to come.
So much to look forward to Mike. This is a great time. Enjoy.
Great article. In 15 I had several cycles…years 3-5 was when I felt the most connected. After that I had to be really intentional with new arrivals and often chose not to be. When I did it was usually the answer to loneliness. Effort pays off.
Words of wisdom Maureen. You are missed around these parts.
But what about age and family differences and changes for us Stayers? I arrived overseas, 27 and single. I left when I was 52, married, two kids away in college, and an empty-nester. There were some obvious changes that happened in our social network over 2.5 decades in our expat community. We said goodbye to a LOT of people, but we said hello to just as many. There were things we did in the early years that we didn’t do later (i.e. we didn’t get invited to every party over the years and hey, when you got a little one your priorities change quite a bit). We learned to treasure times with the young newbies (generally young, energetic and single), but we also loved being with new expats that were closer to our own age (a bit older, happy with some wine and cheese, and married). And we loved getting together with fellow “stayers” to reflect on the old days. I get what you are saying, but seasons come and seasons go. And there should be a place for everyone. Did our tribe change, or did we change? Hard to tell sometimes – but change it certainly was. So, we mourn losses and we rejoice in new relationships.
Tim! — “Did our tribe change, or did we change?” Sounds like yes. You just described doing it well in the long term. Open door to and ever changing group of connections. Maintained connections with Goers. Personally growing and changing through stages of life. Thanks for modeling it for the rest of us.
This is so true and so good! I’ve seen this pattern in my own life and in many friends’ lives. I think understanding and even expecting isolation to happen multiple times through expat life can help us remember to keep investing. It really is the only solution. It is hard, sometimes feels too hard, but it is better than the alternative. And it works.