It’s the high season for global reconnection.

The expats are going “home”. Some for a whirlwind visit and others for good. If you’re on the welcoming end of that equation you’re probably giddy with anticipation. “FINALLY, the traveling prodigals are returning. This is going to be good.

 

Some of you are asking the obvious questions:

 

How can I drive them absolutely nuts when they arrive?

What is the one thing I can do that will be like nails down a chalkboard to their fragile, jet-lagged existence?

Good news. This list is especially for you

AND

as an extra added bonus for anyone out there who might prefer a less conventional, more life-affirming, not quite so soul-sucking approach — pay attention to the ALTERNATIVE.

 

Here are TEN things you can do to drive an expat crazy

 

ONE: MOCK THEIR “OTHER” LANGUAGE

This one never fails. Hit it hard and fast. Greet them at the airport with your thickest accent from the country they have lived in. Not good with accents? No problem. Just make up jibberish words that remind you of what you think that language sounds like.

Still stuck? Watch a Disney movie for inspiration.

This is the lowest hanging fruit.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Pause and consider that one of the greatest challenges of their time away may have been saying words. When the time is right, have a conversation about the challenges of learning a language and how that has impacted their experience.

 

TWO: JOKES

“Hey, honey! The Joneses are back from China! Better put the dog away!”

Slap on the back and a hearty laugh.

“Get it?! Cause they eat dogs in China!”

Laugh again even harder. 

Trust me — this one never, ever fails. Pick a joke that reduces their whole experience and the people they have fallen in love with to a single, annoying stereotype and boom . . . guaranteed nerve grating.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Start with a vulnerable statement that confesses your ignorance instead of a joke that proudly displays it. “Hey, I gotta’ admit, all I know about that country is what I’ve seen on TV . . . can I ask some stupid questions?” Learn something new. 

 

THREE: TELL THEM HOW HAPPY THEY ARE

“You must be SO GLAD to be out of there!!”

“Good to be HOME huh? Bet you’ll never do that again.”

This is great. Watch their face when you say it. Instant jaw clench. Nose flare. Eye squint.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Recognize their paradox. They can be completely thrilled to be “home” and feel like they just left it at the same time. Give them the space to love both places and the time to grieve their loss. Ask them what they’re going to miss the most.

 

FOUR: BATCH THEIR “OTHER” COUNTRY WITH THE OTHERS THAT IT REMINDS YOU OF

“Hey! Say something in African!”

or

“So you learned Chinese? That is so cool.”

“Uhh . . . actually, I was in Japan.”

“Oh . . . so, yes or no?”

or

“Welcome back from Austria!” (wink and a friendly punch on the arm) “G’day mate!”

Expats get SOOOO picky about stuff like that.

 

AN ALTERNATIVE: Decide to be THAT friend. The one who shows enough interest to do a little research ahead of time and still leans on the expertise of the one who has lived there for the final word.

 

FIVE: ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO EAT

“I knew you’d be missing India so guess what! CURRY FOR DINNER!!”

-or potentially equally annoying-

“Yeah, we thought about curry but you’ve got to be sick of that. You must be ready for some pizza.”

This one is tricky because you run the risk of being right. If that happens you might not be annoying at all. It’s a 50/50 shot.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Ask them a question. Allow meal time to be connected to more than food. Have a conversation about what foods they miss and recognize that it could be something they missed while they were away (and can’t wait to dig into) or something they are missing as they return.

 

SIX: ASK, “HOW WAS THAT?”

That’s it. One simple question. It’s like magic.

“Wow, Zimbabwe for 12 years . . . how was that?”

Then stand there and watch them try to summarize ALL of the joy and pain before you lose interest. They LITERALLY CANNOT do it.

Classic.

Want to take it to the next level? Check out number seven.

But first.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Ask smaller questions that leave room for nuance. Find out about a typical day in their lives, their struggles with language or what community was like. Don’t expose your disinterest by expecting a full synopsis of the whole experience so you can get back to the snack table.

 

SEVEN: START THE NEXT SENTENCE WITH, “OH THAT’S JUST LIKE”

This works best if you cut them off mid-sentence.

“Oh wow, 12 years in Zimbabwe, that’s just like when I went to Mexico for a week.”

They don’t even have to say anything. You can almost feel it in their furrowed brow, “umm . . . no  . . . it’s really not.”

AN ALTERNATIVE: Lean in. Be interested. Wait for the answer and then (this part is revolutionary) ask ANOTHER question. Fight the urge to one-up their experience with yours and all in good time, share your stories too.

 

EIGHT: HIGHLIGHT THE AWKWARD

“Homecomers” do weird stuff.

Nonsense stuff.

Confusing, like “what the heck?” stuff.

If you really want to get under their skin — shine the spotlight on that. Draw attention to the crazy, uncharacteristic things they do.

 

AN ALTERNATIVE: Be a safe haven. Be the one friend who understands that part of their life doesn’t make sense right now. Stand in the gap between them and the others who just don’t get it.

 

NINE: SHAME POUNCING

This one takes a little bit of patience but you can do it. Stalk them quietly and when the time comes . . . attack like a black panther.

It’s basically inevitable that your returning friend will begin the bulk of their sentences with, “When I was in Thailand” or “In Brazil we . . . ”

Let this go on for awhile. Let the tension build until you just can’t stand it anymore and you know that the moment is just right.

And then . . . cut loose.

“DUDE!!! YOU ARE NOT IN BRAZIL ANYMORE!! LOOK AROUND!! DO YOU SEE BRAZIL?!! ANYWHERE?!!  NO?!! THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT BRAZIL!!!”

AN ALTERNATIVE: Recognize that ALL of the last section of their life was defined by their time away. The frame of reference that they have comes from that place. Part of them is still there. Give them space for that to be ok and use that as an opportunity to get a glimpse into that part of their lives.

 

TEN: SAY NOTHING

Here’s the clincher. Get’s them EVERY SINGLE time.

Don’t say anything. Don’t ask about their lives abroad. Don’t inquire about their stories. Just ignore that part of their life and pretend like ZERO time has elapsed. Just be glad they’re back and watch the game.

That’s enough, isn’t it?

You probably won’t even see that this one is working. They seldom voice their frustration. Rarely beg to be heard.

But trust me . . . it will eat them alive.

AN ALTERNATIVE: Say something. Ask questions. Hear their stories. Dig deep. Let them fall apart. 

 

Readjustment is a phase. It doesn’t last forever and it’s rarely what it looks like on the surface. These steps are 100%, money back guaranteed to annoy, frustrate, irritate and drive your long, lost, homecoming loved ones absolutely mad.

OR

You could consider the alternatives. Choose well.

 

Going “home”? Send this ahead — You can’t expect them to know already.

Welcoming someone back? Think it through. It’s going to be good.

Know someone who needs this? Pass it on.

Got wisdom to add? Comment below.

 

 

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