I could easily be convinced that making all decisions, major and minor, foreign and domestic by means of Rock Paper Scissors is the purest and most diplomatic form of government . . . but that’s a different blog.
This one is about kids
. Kids like mine. Kids who have been through or are right in the middle of major life transitions. My kids have done it before (when we moved to China) and are doing it again (now in America). In fact if transition were
a person he would be one of the most familiar faces in our family and my kids would know him well.
The question is, “would they like him?”
Would transition be the cool uncle who brings them great gifts, opens their eyes to new things and takes them to awesome places or would he be the creepy uncle who puts them in a headlock, gives them noogies* and says, “pull my finger”?
Transition is one relationship that my kids cannot ignore. So instead of complaining about it, ignoring it or making excuses for it when we know it
is coming over for the Holidays I would prefer that they develop a healthy outlook towards it.
I think Rock Paper Scissors is the answer.
Let’s start with ROCK
Rocks don’t move when everything else does. Wait. Flip that around. When everything else moves . . . rocks don’t.
If your kids are like mine (and you are like me) you worry sometimes. You worry that transition is going to break them. You worry that the constant moving pieces in their every day lives are going to be too much for their fragile minds to handle. You worry that all of the third culture kid stereotypes and statistics are going to do permanent damage.
• “I don’t know how to answer the question, ‘where am I from?'”
• “I’m not sure where home is”
- • “I feel rootless”
This is where the rock part comes in. I am genuinely convinced of what I’m about to say however it is attached to a HUGE BUT (don’t go there).
TRANSITION ≠ INSTABILITY
(BUT . . . If there are no rocks it does)
Rocks are the pieces that don’t move when everything else does. They are the things that will always be present and real and unchanging even when everything else in your child’s life feels like a tornado. Rocks are the objects that always travel with you, the traditions that you never miss and the quirky little mannerisms that make your family distinct. The single requirement is that they can and do remain constant no matter where you live or how much your surroundings shift. When everything else changes . . . they don’t. There’s a good chance that they’re what you roll your eyes at as a kid and remember with great fondness as an adult.
What are your rocks?
You’re not alone if your first response is the big stuff. Love, Family, God. No argument from me. Those are rocks for sure but they’re not what I’m talking about here. I’m going one level more specific. If love is an unchanging rock in your family, how do you express it to your kids? And could you still do it that way if you lived in Mexico City, or Nairobi or the International Space Station? If God is an immovable rock in your faith how do your kids know it?
There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.
Here are Five Ideas of the Practical Sort . . .
1. Rock Your Family Night
Lots of families have family night but it takes on life when you give it a personality of it’s own. Pizza and popcorn are the rocks in our family night. From there we watch a movie or play a game but pizza and popcorn are the non-negotiables. No matter where in the world we have been so far we have successfully found some variation of these two things. We have scoured unfamiliar cities to scrounge up some dreadful, nasty pizza and stale, practically petrified popcorn but we have always arisen victorious and family night has lived on.
What can you add to your family night that is 100% transferrable to any location and will become something that your kids recognize as a symbol of the strength of your family?
2. Rock Your Own Family Day
Think of it. What if June 14th was (insert your family name here) Extravaganza Celebration Day? Think back to your childhood. Which days stand out more than any others? Remember blowing out candles on your birthday cake? Waking up your parents on Christmas morning? Passing out love notes or ears of hardened feed corn with your 2nd grade dream girls name on it which you spelled out by meticulously removing one kernel at a time in hopes that she might choose you as her Valentine over Chris Tomkins?* Anyone? Me Neither.
What if there were one extra special day of the year that belonged entirely to your family? A holiday just for you.
You decide what the traditions are. You choose the special foods, write the special songs and buy the special gifts. Take the day off work. Pull your kids out of school. Play it up and make it something worth looking forward to every year. Your kids will grow to love it and you can celebrate no matter where you live.
Declare it to be so. Pick a day and name it “The Annual Festival of the Joneses Day” (only change it to your name – that’s our day).
If you’ve lived overseas, you’ve more than likely been asked to accompany “Flat Stanley” on a tour of your neighborhood. Flat Stanley is a brilliant idea where 1st graders color Stanley, cut him out and send him to visit friends all over the world. Then they compile the pictures of his travels to the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall and Grandma’s back yard. Stanley’s got it good.
What if your family had it’s own Stanley? Only instead of traveling without you he only went where you go. Important side note: it’s not essential that you call him Stanley. You can call him anything you like. Call him Goober if you want to.
Including a family mascot, whether it is a colored piece of paper, a stuffed animal or a rubber chicken, in your family pictures is a fun way to run a simple unifying thread through your memories. Think of the wall of pictures that you will someday have with your kids at various ages in different places all accompanied by a rubber chicken named Goober.
Let your kids choose a family mascot who will accompany you from this point forward on all of your adventures.
4. Rock the Old Traditions
Holiday traditions are an extremely important part of building stability in chaos and giving your kids a connection to your passport culture even if they have never lived there. The most memorable traditions though are the customized family ones that you and your kids can own and will stick with them forever. This is your chance to upgrade the run of the mill celebrations to distinctly yours. It can also be a good chance to incorporate your host culture and your home culture if you are living cross culturally.
- We always sing happy birthday in English, Chinese and Korean. It’s a tradition we picked up in China because all three languages were often represented in any given birthday party but now it’s a part of who we are.
- On Christmas Eve we give each of our kids a small amount of money, draw names between the four of us, split up at the mall and buy small gifts for each other in one hour. Then we get ice cream.
- We take a picture of our kids every year in the same Santa hat.
Be creative. Make a plan to customize the old traditions.
5. Rock the Generosity
Simply put, I want to do things that build character in my kids. I don’t want them to simply see me doing something generous now and again. I want generosity to be a rock that they see in me no matter what else changes. This can be a tough one because generosity wears different robes depending on the culture it is being expressed in. Giving gifts for example, always comes attached to a cultural obligation. Where I come from it is humble appreciation. Not expressing appropriate gratitude can be extremely rude and may impact a relationship. In China, however, the obligation is repayment. Not repaying a gift or a good deed, with something of equal or greater value may lead to a loss of face and/or strained relationships.
Consider the cultural implications and commit to living generously. Ask your kids for ideas. They’re smarter than you.
Kids who thrive through transition ARE an option. Rocks are a decent place to start. Paper and Scissors are good to . . . but that’s another blog.
I’m anxious to hear about the rocks that have worked for you.