My name is Jerry and I live in China where I sometimes have “Bad China Days.”

That’s a common phrase among the foreigners (like me) who live around here. It’s a catch-all defense that covers a multitude of frustrating moments, petty annoyances, cross-cultural irritations and, quite honestly, bad behaviors.

“Geesh, what’s wrong with Bob? He just bit my head off.”

“Yeah, he’s having a bad China day.”

“Ohhh. Ok then. That makes sense.”

 Here’s the thing.

I don’t ever recall having a “Bad America Day.”

For context – I was born, raised and have spent the highest percentage of my life in the United States. BY FAR I have had more terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days on that side of the ocean than I have on this one.

I once (in the United States) peed my pants as a TEN year old three hours before it was time to go home from school.

THAT was a bad day.

I once (in the United States) burned down 2 acres of my father’s property because I was playing with fire on the same day that I found out I had failed Algebra and would be ineligible to play basketball (which I loved) unless I went to summer school.

That was a REALLY bad day.

I once (in the United States) rode a horse into a tree limb which knocked me out cold and when I woke up I was sharing a hospital room with a sixth-grade psychopath who threw orange peels at the television and suggested we sneak out of our room after hours, steal some syringes and stick them in the people next door.

I wish I was exaggerating.

That was a surreally bad day.

I went through puberty in the United States, for crying out loud.

That was like at least a thousand really, really bad days but I never . . . not once . . . ever referred to any of them, no matter how miserable, as a “Bad America Day.”

Nope . . . back there, we just called it a bad day.

 

Host Blaming is what happens when people who are living cross-culturally go looking for a single culprit to hold responsible for any and all of their frustrations and find that the lowest hanging fruit, the easiest target, and the one-stop solution is their host country. 

 

Blame it on (insert your country here) and it all makes sense.

It comes in different flavors.

 

“Kicking the dog” for example is what happens when you are actually frustrated with your boss or your spouse but you know better than to pick that fight. Choosing not to be jobless or sleep on the couch you look for the lower risk outlet.

Blame it on the country . . . they won’t even understand you anyway.

 

 “Paranoid Drama-Queening” happens when you take the legitimate, standard, practically universal challenges of cross-cultural life and treat them as if they are ONLY happening to you and then presume that the whole country and each of its citizens is conspiring against you.

“Why can’t you understand me?!! I know I’m saying it right!!!”

“STOP STARING AT ME!!!”

 

“Hyper Pluralizing” happens when you blame an entire country for the offense of a few. It’s generally marked by words like . . .

“THEY ALWAYS ” or  “THEY NEVER ” or “SHEESH! WHY DON’T THEY JUST LEARN HOW TO”

“THEY” is the operative word.

Been there?

Me too.

 

And sometimes  . . . it’s just a bad day . . . but you still blame the country.

 

THREE QUICK THOUGHTS

 

ONE: Host Blaming Drives a Wedge

Here’s the thing. Host Blaming is usually passive. Snarky. Under our breath or between sympathetic foreign friends who are also having bad local days. Most of us don’t walk right up to our host countries and say, “YOU! You are the source of ALL MY PAIN!!”

So how does it drive a wedge if they don’t even know we’re blaming them?

Answer . . . one interaction at a time. We take the easier option. We engage a little less. We assume a little quicker. We avoid a little more. We withdraw without even thinking.

That changes nothing instantly . . . but over time we walk a different path . . . and a different path leads to a different place.

 

TWO: Host Blaming is Natural

PAUSE — Before you cut and paste that into Twitter.

Laziness  . . . is also natural. So are arrogance, selfishness and stupidity.

Lots of things comes naturally but sometimes that can mean “worth the effort to do differently.”

 

THREE: Host Connection is Intentional 

Believe it or not, this is not an Expat Shaming post.

“Look at the pompous, bubble-bound outsiders who barge in insisting that everyone be more like them!! Jerks!”

There are plenty of those posts out there.

On the contrary, if we’re asking for a show of hands . . . I’ll raise both of mine first. I slip into host blaming over and over. It’s subtle and sneaky. It’s nuanced and not always clear when I’m doing it.

 

What I’m discovering is that if blaming is natural then CONNECTION MUST BE INTENTIONAL.

 

It’s not natural to allow for personality instead of stereotyping — but look around — THEY is too big of a word.

It’s not natural to say, “there’s probably more to this” — but your mind will be blown if you do.

It’s not natural to say, “I might be the one who is wrong here” — so start there and see what happens.

It’s not natural NOT to blame. So do whatever it takes to choose connection instead.

 

A better choice leads to a better next step. Better steps lead down a better path. A better path leads to a better place.

 

How about you? Are you a host blamer? Show of hands.